A to Z Blogging Challenge "L is for..."

"...Limiting or Cutting Contact with Family Members"
From the series "Words Matter"
by Shelly Burke, RN, Author, and Editor, Nebraska Family Times newspaper

The decision to limit contact or cut all ties with a family member or members is a difficult one and should not be made in haste or without a lot of thought and prayer. Situations in which you may choose to cut off contact temporarily or permanently may include abuse (towards yourself or someone else), violence, drug or alcohol abuse, damaging manipulative behavior, living an immoral lifestyle, and/or criminal behavior.  

If you or other family members are in danger, or discover something extremely  troubling about the person (that he or she has sexually abused someone, for example), you’ll probably leave that person’s presence immediately. Whether you see the person again depends on the specifics of the situation and if the person is remorseful and makes amends. 

If your seeing the person again depends on specific things he or she does or does not do, make that clear to the person face to face, over the phone, or by mail or e-mail, depending on the specifics of situation. Your priority is keeping yourself and your family safe. Do not put yourself in danger. 

What to Say

• “I will not be around you if you are using illegal drugs.”
• “When you were so angry last week, I was afraid you were going to physically hurt someone. You will not be invited to our home again until and unless you get your temper under control. I think you need professional help and hope you get it." 
• Call me when you are able to be with us without getting so
  angry.” 
• “Hitting your spouse is wrong, and you are not welcome in our home until you get professional help. You and your wife are in
  
  our prayers.”
• “Your actions with that child are absolutely unacceptable. It is not safe for you to be around children, and we will not be around you unless and until you accept you have a problem and are able to control it.”
• “Every time we’re together dad gets angry about something, overreacts, calls names, and ruins the occasion. I’m not going to let him set such a negative example for our children; we want them to remember holidays as fun events, not stressful ones. We will not be spending any holidays with him until and unless he changes his behavior.” 
• When talking with the person exhibiting the behaviors, set firm limits; “In the past, your behavior with family members has been inappropriate and rude. It doesn’t matter why you continue to act that way even after we’ve talked about it and you’ve promised to not act that way. I want to have a relationship with you, but cannot and will not do that unless and until you treat us with respect. That means no yelling, name calling, or critical remarks. If you continue to treat us inappropriately, we will not be able to be in the same place at the same time. You will not intimidate or hurt me or my family any more.” 

What Not to Say

• “Your behavior is horrible and we can’t stand to be around you.” (Instead of saying this, point out specific behaviors that are unacceptable to you.)

What to Do

• Pray for God’s guidance as to what to do to protect yourself and your family.
• Consider asking another family member or friend to be present while you talk to the person about his or her negative behaviors.
• Be calm and objective when you talk with the person about his behavior.
• Consider attending at least part of a family event, even if you suspect you’ll have to leave early due to the behavior of another person. If the situation takes a turn for the worse, it’s OK to leave. Sometimes it takes a dramatic event--like part of the family leaving right in the middle of dinner--for the person causing the problem, and the rest of the family, to realize the damage that person is causing. The statement you make by leaving might give the rest of the family the courage to take a stand of their own, or pressure the trouble-maker to act in an acceptable manner.    

Don’t . . . 

• . . . continue relationships that are harmful or dangerous to yourself or your family. 

Explaining Your Actions to Other Family Members

It’s probably not necessary to tell distant, rarely-seen relatives, every detail of why you‘ve decided to limit contact with a family

member or not attend an event. However, if the person you are avoiding could be a danger to others, you have an obligation to share relevant details so others can protect themselves and their families. If family get-togethers have been contentious for years, others will probably understand (even if they do not like the fact that you are pulling away), without your outlining the details, your decision not to attend an event or get together.  

If the conflict was not common knowledge, you have to decide how many and which of the details to share. Before you do so, consider your motives--is it really necessary to share every detail, or are you sharing unnecessary details for revenge or to ‘prove’ you were ‘right’ about something? 

The following examples will give you ideas for dealing with this situation. 

What to Say

• To an elderly aunt whom you rarely see, when she asks why you didn’t attend the reunion the previous summer; “It just didn’t work out for us last year. But we hope to see you very soon!”
• A cousin with whom you’re close; “My sister and I have a difficult relationship, and it’s best if we’re not together at family gatherings. Her behaviors towards my family hurt them deeply, and I’m not going to ask them to put themselves through that. We’re sorry to miss the get-together but have to this year.”
• To your mother; “It’s just too hard to be around my brother when he constantly reminds me of mistakes I made years ago. I’ve asked him over and over not to bring them up, but he continues to. I’m not going to come to the wedding this summer because I’m not going to put myself through that again.”
• “The last three holiday dinners have ended in tears. Our family is going to spend it alone this year; we’re not inviting anyone.” 
• To your brother, whose wife disrupts holiday gatherings; “I’m sorry to have to say this, but your wife’s behavior at family events is just too disruptive. She makes fun of our children and made mom cry with her cruel remarks last year. If she will not promise to not yell or make critical comments this year, I’m afraid we can’t invite her.” 

What Not to Say

• “He is a jerk and no one should be around him.”
• “If you care about me you won’t go to the reunion either.”
• “We’re not coming and you should know why.”
• “Whatever she says is a lie. You better not listen, if you want to be friends with me.”

What to Do

• Prayerfully consider the actions that are best for you and your family.
• Tell others of your decision objectively and calmly.
• Tell other family members of potentially harmful behaviors like violence, sexual abuse, or criminal activity.
• Consider giving more details to someone who can and will try
  
  to do something about the disruptive family member. 
• Remember that family dynamics are complicated and can be unpredictable; people who could do something about the troubling family member, for a variety of reasons, might not be willing to do so. 
• Be prepared for any reaction from the person you bring into the situation--they could be willing to help, or become very defensive and angry at you. 

Don’t . . . 

• . . . ask people to take sides in the conflict.
• . . . be vengeful in what you say; tell only the truth.
• . . . second-guess your decision if family members tell you that you are ‘over-reacting’ or wrong to pull back from other family members. Your priority is to protect yourself and your family.  

Have you had to limit contact with family members? 

--------------------------

This post is an excerpt from “What Should I Say? The Right (and Wrong!) Words and Deeds for Life’s Sticky, Tricky Uncomfortable Situations”

by Shelly Burke, RN. Coming soon!

 Download “What Should I Say” and be prepared for any of life’s sticky, tricky uncomfortable situations!

______________________________________________________

                                                                   

The mission of the “Nebraska Family Times” is to “inspire, encourage and motivate you on your Christian walk.” To receive local, state and national news from a Christian point of view, as well as devotions, Bible Study and articles about all aspects of Christian life, in your mailbox every month, subscribe for only $20 for 12 issues! Click “Subscribe” on the sidebar or send your address and payment to Nebraska Family Times, 209 27^th St. Apt. #13, Columbus, NE 68601.

I am also taking the Blogging A to Z Challenge at Home is Where the Mom Is; A Christian Mom's Guide,

where the theme is “Lifehacks for Christian Moms.”

A to Z Challenge "K is for..."

"...Kids Behaving Badly--Yours and Other People's"
From the series "Words Matter"
by Shelly Burke, RN, Author, and Editor, Nebraska Family Times newspaper

If Someone’s Kids are Behaving Badly

Should you tell someone her kids are doing something you know she, as a parent, would not approve of? Before you pass on any information about her child, be sure the action or behavior you’re reporting is something that could harm the child (or another person), or is something you know the parents would not approve of. 

While you might not let your kids wear shorts if it is below 60 degrees outside, some parents let their kids wear shorts regardless of the temperature. Another example: In some families, using certain words might be acceptable, even if they are not words you allow used in your home. If you report something like this to parents and it is within their family rules, you risk sounding judgmental. 

If the child is doing something that is against the law--stealing, drinking alcohol, smoking--or putting himself or others in danger by posting her home address on an Internet chat site or talking

about bringing a gun to school, you have an obligation to tell his or her parents, and the proper authorities, if necessary.  

Do not pass on any information about a child’s behavior or actions unless you actually saw the event happen or know the information is accurate. The parent’s first reaction might be to become angry with you; stay calm, reassure the parent of your intentions to protect the child, and offer to help the parent deal with the problem. Here are several ways to approach this difficult situation.

What to Say

• “Since teens have such a high rate of accidents anyway, I wanted to tell you that I saw Seymore driving well above the speed limit the other day, and he was not wearing his seatbelt.”
• “I would want this information passed on to me if it was one of my children, so I wanted to let you know that I saw Carlie smoking with a group of kids outside of the school yesterday.”
• “My mother saw Dexter at the mall yesterday during school hours; she knew it was him because he was wearing his letter jacket with his name on it.”
• “My kids came home very upset after Leslie told them she was going to bring beer to school in her backpack tomorrow.” 
• “My children were checking out your daughter’s online profile yesterday--there are some very suggestive photos on it, along with her cell phone number.” 

What Not to Say

• “I don’t know if it’s actually true but you need to know that I heard that . . . “
• “Your kid is going to get into big trouble if you don’t start paying attention . . .” 

What to Do

• Pray for the wisdom to handle the situation in a way that will protect the child. 
• Be kind, pleasant, and non-judgmental when you talk to the parents about their child. Remind them that you told them in order to help their child.  
• Offer to give parents the phone number of a counselor, name of a helpful book, information about group meetings, or other resources as applicable to the situation, without being pushy. 
• Realize that giving the parents this information could cause tension in your friendship. Remember that you’re doing it for the safety and well-being of their child and others. 

Don’t . . . 

• . . . pass on second, or third, or fourth hand information.

If Someone Else’s Kids are Having Problems

It’s a difficult time for a friend if her child is in trouble or having

problems. Whether the problem is fairly minor or more serious (stealing, using drugs, being involved with a gang), parents will appreciate your  support and encouragement. 

What to Say

• “You are all in our prayers.” 
• “It must be difficult to have this going on in your life.” 
• “I know you taught her different than that; sometimes as parents we just can’t prevent things like this.”
• “Our child went through a stage where he didn’t want to go to church and turned away from God; it only lasted a few months but seemed like much longer. Hang in there! I’m here if you want to talk about it.”
• “How are things with Colleen going?” 
• “When my kids were doing that, I  . . . “ 
• “A book that really helped us was . . . “
• “You are doing the right thing, even though it is difficult.”
• “I have the name of a counselor who is good with children of that age. Would you like the name and number?”
• “God gives our children free will to make their own decisions, no matter what we’ve taught them.”
• “Your work as a parent was not in vain.” 
• “Your children have made a lot of good choices; this is just one negative one.”
• “Hang in there . . . this too shall pass.” 

What Not to Say

• “Here’s what you need to do.”
• “You better do something or he’ll turn into an axe murderer!”
• “He’s that way because . . . “ 
• “Well that won’t help!” (when said as a reply to what the parents are trying to do to help the child).

What to Do

• Pray for God to guide the parents to do the right thing for their
  
  child. 
• Call or e-mail to offer encouragement.
• Listen without judgment; allow the parent to express his or her feelings/emotions, and accept his or her feelings of anger, sadness, disappointment, fear, and so on. 
• Offer to go with the person to seek information, talk with a lawyer, etc. 
• Take  younger kids in the family to the movies or park or out to eat, to give the parents some time alone together or with the child who is having problems.  

Don’t . . . 

• . . . criticize what the parents are doing (or not doing).
• . . . spread information if you don’t know it is true.

If Your Kid is in Trouble

What to Say 

• “We’re disappointed at the path he’s taking, but we still love him.” 
• “That’s not how we brought him up, but he’s still our child.”
• “We’re doing everything we can to help.”
• “We’re keeping the details to ourselves; we’re doing everything we need to.”
• “We are respecting our daughter’s privacy in this; please pray for her to make good decisions.”
• “Please keep our family in your prayers.”

What Not to Say

• “Don’t ask about it!” (Be polite about requesting your privacy.)

What to Do

• Pray for guidance to do what is best for your child.
• Ask parents who have been through troubles with their children, for help.

Don’t . . . 

• . . . share any details you’re not comfortable sharing. 

Have you told parents their kids are behaving badly? What did you say?

-------------------------------------

This post is an excerpt from “What Should I Say? The Right (and Wrong!) Words and Deeds for Life’s Sticky, Tricky Uncomfortable Situations”

by Shelly Burke, RN. Coming soon!

 Download “What Should I Say” and be prepared for any of life’s sticky, tricky uncomfortable situations!

______________________________________________________

                                                                   

The mission of the “Nebraska Family Times” is to “inspire, encourage and motivate you on your Christian walk.” To receive local, state and national news from a Christian point of view, as well as devotions, Bible Study and articles about all aspects of Christian life, in your mailbox every month, subscribe for only $20 for 12 issues! Click “Subscribe” on the sidebar or send your address and payment to Nebraska Family Times, 209 27^th St. Apt. #13, Columbus, NE 68601.

I am also taking the Blogging A to Z Challenge at Home is Where the Mom Is; A Christian Mom's Guide,

where the theme is “Lifehacks for Christian Moms.”

A to Z Blogging..."I is for..."

"...Insults"
From the series "Words Matter"
by Shelly Burke, RN, Author, and Publisher, Nebraska Family Times

Whether it’s a group or organization you belong to, a hobby you enjoy, or something you believe in, it is hurtful (and annoying!) when someone criticizes, laughs at, or insults something important to you. Use these responses to express your feelings. 





What to Say

• “That might be the case in another group, but it is not true of our group!”
• “Why do you feel that way about my hobby?”
• “What makes you say that?” (perhaps you can correct the person’s misperceptions). 
• “That’s a very hurtful thing to say about something that is so important to me.”

What Not to Say

• “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” 
• “You’re pretty dumb if you don’t want to be part of my group.”

What to Do

• Ask the person why she said what she did; maybe she heard
  
  false information, or if she’s criticizing a group, perhaps she had a bad experience with the group. If this is the case, politely correct the misconceptions. 
• Invite the person to a meeting of your group. 
• Educate the person about your hobby. 
• Be a positive example of your group. 
• Give a personal account of your own experience to show why it is important/significant to you.

Don’t . . . 

• . . . try to convince someone you are correct by over-reacting or returning an insult.

How do you reply when someone insults you? 

--------------------------------

This post is an excerpt from “What Should I Say? The Right (and Wrong!) Words and Deeds for Life’s Sticky, Tricky Uncomfortable Situations”

by Shelly Burke, RN. Coming soon!

 Download “What Should I Say” and be prepared for any of life’s sticky, tricky uncomfortable situations!

______________________________________________________

                                                                   

The mission of the “Nebraska Family Times” is to “inspire, encourage and motivate you on your Christian walk.” To receive local, state and national news from a Christian point of view, as well as devotions, Bible Study and articles about all aspects of Christian life, in your mailbox every month, subscribe for only $20 for 12 issues! Click “Subscribe” on the sidebar or send your address and payment to Nebraska Family Times, 209 27^th St. Apt. #13, Columbus, NE 68601.

I am also taking the Blogging A to Z Challenge at Home is Where the Mom Is; A Christian Mom's Guide,

where the theme is “Lifehacks for Christian Moms.”

A to Z Blogging "H is for..."

"...The Holy Spirit...Asking Him to Guide Your Words"
From the series "Words Matter"
by Shelly Burke, RN, Author, and Publisher of the "Nebraska Family Times" newspaper

How do you comfort a friend during the darkest hours of his or her life? What do you say to someone who has received devastating news? At times we’ve all been confronted with a situation that is so unexpected, or awful, that knowing what to say is beyond our experience or knowledge, despite our desire to take away some of the pain of the person who is in crisis.   

Do not think that you cannot help because you are too young, or too old, too inexperienced, or have not been in the same situation as the person who is suffering. God can and does use us to comfort others, sometimes when we feel the least qualified to do so.  

Romans 8:26-27 tells us that, “. . . the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And He Who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will.“ 

When you are faced with a situation and just do not know what words to say, take a deep breath and pray for the Holy Spirit to give you the words. You don’t even have to have words to pray; He can interpret your ‘groans,’ or pleas, for the right words to come to you, through God and the Holy Spirit. 


Then, wait . . . do not hurry to reply to what your friend has said, or fill a silence. Your quiet presence will be a comfort to your friend. Listen for God’s still, small voice, urging you what to say or do, and use those words to help or comfort your friend. Or just sit quietly. Offer a hug. Click here for "The 10 Best Things to Say When You Don't know what to Say".

Proverbs 16:1 tells us, “To man belong the plans of the heart, but from the Lord comes the reply of the tongue.” When the plans of our heart are to comfort someone, or talk with them about a serious situation, God knows this. If we seek Him, He will give us the right words to reply with. 

Have you felt the Holy Spirit guide your words when you didn't know what to say?

-----------------------------------

This post is an excerpt from “What Should I Say? The Right (and Wrong!) Words and Deeds for Life’s Sticky, Tricky Uncomfortable Situations”

by Shelly Burke, RN. Coming soon!

 Download “What Should I Say” and be prepared for any of life’s sticky, tricky uncomfortable situations!

______________________________________________________

                                                                   

The mission of the “Nebraska Family Times” is to “inspire, encourage and motivate you on your Christian walk.” To receive local, state and national news from a Christian point of view, as well as devotions, Bible Study and articles about all aspects of Christian life, in your mailbox every month, subscribe for only $20 for 12 issues! Click “Subscribe” on the sidebar or send your address and payment to Nebraska Family Times, 209 27^th St. Apt. #13, Columbus, NE 68601.

I am also taking the Blogging A to Z Challenge at

Home is Where the Mom Is; A Christian Mom's Guide

where the theme is “Lifehacks for Christian Moms.”

A to Z Blogging..."J is for..."

"...Job Loss"
From the series "Words Matter"
by Shelly Burke, RN, Author, and Editor of the Nebraska Family Times newspaper

When Someone Loses His or Her Job

A person’s job is a part of his or her identity, so losing a job is difficult for emotional reasons, not just financial ones. Here are some suggestions for helping a friend through this experience. 

What to Say

• “I’m so sorry!”
• “How are you doing?”
• “Did you know it was coming?”
• “What’s next?”  (The person might be planning to go back to school, look for a job in a completely different area, or open his
  
  own business rather than looking for another job right away. Ask, so you can offer your help and support as you‘re able to.) 
• “What can I do to help?” 
• “How is the job search going?”  (if the person is searching for another job).

What Not to Say

• “What kind of severance pay did you get?”
• “I knew that was a bad job for you.”
• “How will you pay the rent, medical bills, power bill, and groceries, now that you don’t have an income?”

What to Do

• Pass on job information, as appropriate. For example, tell your friend if a suitable position is available in your company, or if you see a promising job advertised in the want-ads. 
• Be sensitive about asking questions like, “Did you send in that resume’?” “What are you doing today?”  The person might appreciate your friendly concern, but could see your questions as implying that he is not doing enough.  
• Offer your help in any area of expertise; writing or reviewing a resume‘, coaching the person on interview techniques, and so on. If you expect to be paid for typing a resume‘, make that clear before you do it. For example, mention, “I wish I could do this for you for free, but I have bills! I will do it for half price, which is . . . “ If you are doing it as a gift, make that clear, also. “If you’d like, I’ll be happy to type up your resume’ for you, no charge. Just spread the word if you’re happy with my work!”
• Let the person know with your words and actions that he is still your friend and your friendship isn’t based on him having a job.
• Be encouraging, but realistic, as your friend searches for a job or a new direction. If he wants to apply for a job you feel is totally inappropriate, ask questions which will lead him to think about why the job might not be appropriate for him.    

Don’t . . . 

• . . . make any discouraging comments about the job market, insurance, his bills, and so on. You can be sure these issues are already a worry to your jobless friend! 
• . . . project your expectations on the person who has lost his or her job. He might not go about a job hunt as you would, or might choose to take a completely different path than you deem a good choice. Your job is to be supportive. If you feel he is making a mistake, ask questions about what you’re worried about and gently voice your concerns.  

If You’ve Lost Your Job

What to Say

• “Would you please pray for . . . “
• “It was quite a shock to learn that I didn’t have a job after next
  
  week!”
• “I knew changes were coming, so it wasn’t a complete surprise.”
• When people ask what they can do to help, tell them! 
• “May I use your name as a reference when I fill out job applications?”
• “I would like to get my resume’ to the right person in your office. To whom should I send it?” 
• “Would you have time to take a look at my resume’ and give me suggestions to improve it?”
• “I’m thinking of opening my own home business. You’ve been running your home business for several years; could we get together to talk about what it takes?”

What Not to Say

• “I know you can get me a job at your company if you really want to.”

What to Do 

• Remember to thank anyone who helps you, preferably in writing. If what they’ve done to help (like type your resume’) is part of their business, be sure to pass the information on to anyone you meet that could use the service.
• Only tell people what you want to about losing a job; it‘s not necessary to divulge details if you don‘t want to.  

Don’t . . . 

• . . . say anything negative about your old job or boss, or the people you worked with. You might be complaining to a potential employer! 
• . . . talk negatively about your job search--that negativity will affect your attitude.   

What has someone said or done to help you after you've lost a job, or what did you do to help someone after he or she lost a job?

--------------------------------------------------------

This post is an excerpt from “What Should I Say? The Right (and Wrong!) Words and Deeds for Life’s Sticky, Tricky Uncomfortable Situations”

by Shelly Burke, RN. Coming soon!

 Download “What Should I Say” and be prepared for any of life’s sticky, tricky uncomfortable situations!

______________________________________________________

                                                                   

The mission of the “Nebraska Family Times” is to “inspire, encourage and motivate you on your Christian walk.” To receive local, state and national news from a Christian point of view, as well as devotions, Bible Study and articles about all aspects of Christian life, in your mailbox every month, subscribe for only $20 for 12 issues! Click “Subscribe” on the sidebar or send your address and payment to Nebraska Family Times, 209 27^th St. Apt. #13, Columbus, NE 68601.

I am also taking the Blogging A to Z Challenge at 

Home is Where the Mom is; A Christian Mom's Guide,

where the theme is “Lifehacks for Christian Moms.”

A to Z Blogging..."G is for..."

"...Gossip"
From the "Words Matter" Series
by Shelly Burke, RN, Author, and Editor of the "Nebraska Family Times" newspaper

Gossip

 Gossip seems harmless, but if you’ve ever been the victim of gossip, you know how hurtful words can be. God considers it a serious enough topic that there are many Bible verses warning against it (among them Lev. 19:16, Pro. 26:20, 22, and Eph. 4:29). Despite His warnings, it’s easy to get caught up in gossip almost without realizing it. If you are with someone, or a group of someones, and gossip begins, here are a few ways to stop it.  

What to Say

• “I would not want people talking about the private details of my life, especially if there’s no way they could know what’s really going on. Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt and not speculate.”
• Try humor; “Gosh, I’d hate to hear what you say about me when I’m not here! Let’s change the subject--how do you like the weather?” 
• “My New Year’s resolution is to only say good things about other people. Do you want to join me in that resolution?”
• “I don’t think it’s fair to talk about her when she’s not here to give her side of what happened.” Then change the subject; “So, how was your weekend?”
• “Oh, my, look at the time! I’ve got to get back to work on that project.” 
• If someone tries to tantalize you by hinting that she knows the details of the latest scandal, reply, “Well, I guess we’ll all know soon enough, won’t we?” and change the subject.

Have you ever caught yourself in the center of a group of people who are waiting to hear the juicy gossip that’s about to come out of your mouth? Here’s how to rescue yourself from that situation.

• “Wait a minute--I know better than to spread gossip. Let’s
  
  change the subject--what are you doing this weekend?”
• “Oh, no, I just heard my mom’s voice saying, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all,” and I better listen to her!”
• Dramatically clap your hand over your mouth and say, “A very non-Christian thing almost came out of my mouth--good thing my conscience is attached to my hand!”

What Not to Say

• “Oh, please, tell me all the juicy details!”  
• “Let me tell you everything I know!”

What to Do

• Talk in a serious tone of voice, with a solemn look on your face, when you try to stop gossip. 
• Walk away if gossip starts, or continues after you’ve tried to change the subject.

Don’t . . . 

• . . .  even listen to gossip; by doing so you are saying with your actions that it’s OK to gossip.
• . . . ignore gossip if it is about a friend (see next section).

Should You Tell Someone She’s Being Gossiped About?
Immediately refute any gossip about someone else, that you know to be false. Here are a few ways to do so. 

What to Say  

• “I am her friend and I know that is absolutely untrue.”
• “I would not want people talking about the private details of my life, especially if there’s no way they could know what’s really going on. Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt and not speculate.”

What Not to Say

• “Oh, what else did you hear? Tell me all the details!”

What to Do

• Walk away if the gossip continues.

Don’t . . . 

• . . . repeat the gossip. 

Before you tell someone they are the subject of gossip, ask yourself if doing so will help that person. If what is being said is harmless--”What a haircut!” or, “I wouldn’t carry around a purse like that!”--there is no reason to repeat it to her; it would just be hurtful and there’s nothing she did to cause the gossip or can do to prevent it. 

However, if your friend’s actions are fueling gossip, you might want to draw her attention to her actions and the impression they are giving. In this case, not telling her could cause harm by hurting her reputation or family or even jeopardizing her job. Tell her gently, in private, how her actions appear. Be prepared for her to be upset, but reassure her you are telling her because of your concern for her well-being. 

What to Say

• “I know you’re friends with the boss; in the cafeteria yesterday several people were speculating that you’re having an affair with him. Of course I assured them that you are not, but I wanted you to know how your actions around him look to some people.”
• “I don’t know why your friendship with Chris ended, but she is saying that you borrowed money and did not pay it back. That does not sound like something you would do! Do you mind telling me what really happened so I can set people straight?”

What Not to Say

• “Tell me all the details of what happened with you and the boss, so I can pass them on.” 

What to Do

• Pray that your friend would realize how her actions appear.  
• Reassure your friend of your support and friendship. 

Don’t . . . 

• . . . share the names of the people doing the gossiping. 
• . . . repeat the gossip to anyone else!

------------------------------------

This post is an excerpt from “What Should I Say? The Right (and Wrong!) Words and Deeds for Life’s Sticky, Tricky Uncomfortable Situations”

by Shelly Burke, RN. Coming soon!

 Download “What Should I Say” and be prepared for any of life’s sticky, tricky uncomfortable situations!

______________________________________________________

                                                                   

The mission of the “Nebraska Family Times” is to “inspire, encourage and motivate you on your Christian walk.” To receive local, state and national news from a Christian point of view, as well as devotions, Bible Study and articles about all aspects of Christian life, in your mailbox every month, subscribe for only $20 for 12 issues! Click “Subscribe” on the sidebar or send your address and payment to Nebraska Family Times, 209 27^th St. Apt. #13, Columbus, NE 68601.

I am also taking the Blogging A to Z Challenge at Home is Where the Mom Is; A Christian Mom's Guide,

where the theme is “Lifehacks for Christian Moms.”

A to Z Blogging..."F is For..."

"...Favors...Offering Favors and Asking For a Favor" 
From the series "Words Matter"
by Shelly Burke, RN, Author, and Publisher, "Nebraska Family Times" newspaper

Offering a Favor

Remember that the people who need a favor the most are often reluctant, embarrassed, or ashamed to have to ask. In times of crisis, people might not even think to ask for help.  Be alert to situations where your offer of a favor could bless someone. 



What to Say

• “I would like to do  ____________ for you.”
• “What can I do that would help you the most?”
• “I will come over tomorrow and help you clean your house.” 
• “I can pick up the kids and watch them tomorrow; when I bring them back I’ll bring supper, if that‘s OK with you.”

Offer to do specific tasks, especially if the person is in the midst of a crisis; 

Google Images

• “Do you have someone to stay with the baby during the funeral? I will be available.”
• “Can I pick up some groceries for you? What do you need most?”
• “Are there any phone calls I can make?”

What Not to Say

• “What can I do for you?”  (Offering to do something specific is better.)
• “Let me know if you need anything.” (The person might not feel comfortable asking you for something, or might not even know what to ask for.) 

What to Do

• Offer to do specific tasks that the person might be too overwhelmed to do, or even think of asking you to do.
• If you know the person well enough to know that it won’t upset or offend her, just  do what needs to be done, like laundry, cooking, or cleaning. 

Don’t . . . 

• . . . do so much that the person feels uncomfortable with all that you are doing for her or becomes dependent on your constant help. 
• . . . insist on doing a favor if the person strenuously objects or repeatedly tells you not to. 

(For suggestions for turning down a request for a favor, stay tuned to the A to Z Blogging Challenge where "N is for...How and When to say "NO"". Sign up on the right sidebar to receive new posts by e-mail!)

Asking for a Favor

Sometimes it’s hard to ask for a favor, but when you truly

Google Images

need one, friends will probably be more than happy to help you out if they can. Remember that it is a blessing to be able to help someone; when you ask for help, you are giving that person the opportunity to bless you, which in turn is a blessing to her.   

What to Say  

• “I have a favor to ask you, but I understand if you can’t help me.”
• “It’s difficult for me to ask for this, but it’s really important. Please be honest if it’s not something you want to do.”
• “Could you help me out? I was wondering if you would  . . . “
• “Would you have the time to look over my resume’ and give me any suggestions as to how to put it together?” 
• If you feel it’s appropriate, provide details; “My husband and I are going through a tough time. We’re seeing a counselor tomorrow afternoon; could you watch the kids for a few hours?” 

Consider a trade-off:

• “As a favor, could you watch my kids Saturday morning? In turn, I’ll watch your kids any morning next week.”

What Not to Say

• “What are you doing next weekend?” (Don’t put the person on the spot about their plans before asking for your favor.)
• “Since I helped you with that favor last year, now it’s your turn. I need you to . . . "

What to Do

• Pray about who to ask to do the favor for you. 
• Explain what the favor is, when you need it by, and other details, when you ask for the favor.  
• Be clear about when you’d like an answer so you can make other arrangements if necessary. 

Don’t . . . 

• . . . imply that the person “owes” you, even if you have done many favors for him.  
• . . . press for an immediate answer unless you really need the answer right away, and if so, apologize for the short notice. 
• . . . be vague about what the favor is. 

--------------

This post is an excerpt from “What Should I Say? The Right (and Wrong!) Words and Deeds for Life’s Sticky, Tricky Uncomfortable Situations”

by Shelly Burke, RN. Coming soon!

 Download “What Should I Say” and be prepared for any of life’s sticky, tricky uncomfortable situations!

______________________________________________________

The mission of the “Nebraska Family Times” is to “inspire, encourage and motivate you on your Christian walk.” To receive local, state and national news from a Christian point of view, as well as devotions, Bible Study and articles about all aspects of Christian life, in your mailbox every month, subscribe for only $20 for 12 issues! Click “Subscribe” on the sidebar or send your address and payment to Nebraska Family Times, 209 27^th St. Apt. #13, Columbus, NE 68601.

I am also taking the Blogging A to Z Challenge at www.achristianmomsguide.blogspot.com,

where the theme is “Lifehacks for Christian Moms.”