A to Z Blogging "P is for..."

"...Politics and Religion" 
From the series "Words Matter"
by Shelly Burke, RN, Author, and Publisher, Nebraska Family Times newspaper

People’s core values and morals are usually based at least partly on religious and/or political beliefs. Almost everyone has passionate feelings about some aspects of religion and/or politics, and since there are (at least) two sides to every issue, there are also many heated discussions about these issues. 

Here are several situations in which you might be, and possible replies:

What to Say

To start a discussion:

• “What did you think of the election?” 
• “What are your thoughts on _____________?”  
• “I’d like to hear your point of view; will you hear my thoughts too?”

You can disagree with actions of a person or group by saying,  

• “I do not agree with the decision to . . . “
• “I think they should have handled it differently . . . “

At an occasion or in a setting where a serious discussion is inappropriate--a funeral, for example--or when you can tell that continuing the conversation will lead to an argument, you might say:

• “I think we’re on the opposite side of that issue and this isn’t really an appropriate place to discuss it, so let’s talk about something else.”  
• With a smile, say, “You’re sitting at the table with three people who happen to take the opposite point of view! Let’s talk about something else.”

If the situation is escalating, diffuse it; 

• “I can see that we have very different thoughts about that, and
  
  
  
  that’s what’s great about America--we can all have our own point of view. How about this nice weather we‘re having?”
• “I don’t think any of us know all the details about that issue . . . let’s just talk about something else. What did you think about the championship game last week?” 

At some time, you will probably be in a situation where you want to talk about your religious beliefs or political views. Remember that the way you present your beliefs will influence how the other person receives them--if you are pushy, strident, critical of his or her beliefs, or confrontational in expressing your own beliefs, the person you are trying to convince might not even hear your message, let alone consider your point of view. Keep your voice calm and expression friendly. You might say;    

• “In our church, we believe _________; in contrast, your church believes __________.” 
• “Our religion teaches __________; how does that compare to what your religion teaches?” 
• “I think the neatest part about what I believe is . . . “
• “Here’s why I’ve taken my view of this issue . . . “
• “My political party is in favor of ________, while yours is against it.” 

What Not to Say

• “I’m right; you’re wrong.”
• “Your religion is really weird.”
• “Your political party is always for the wrong thing.” 
• “If you believe what you do, you’re stupid.”

What to Do

• If you do decide to get into a conversation about religion or politics, make sure you truly want to talk about the issue, not just argue about it, and are able to clearly state and explain your position, as well as calmly listen to another point of view. 
• Always remain calm when presenting your beliefs. If a particular issue comes up frequently, consider writing out and practicing the important points so you can present them clearly
  
  and calmly. 
• Calmly listen to the other person’s point of view, without interrupting. 
• If the situation is escalating, diffuse it by making one of the comments listed previously, or walking away. If you become angry, you will not convince anyone of your point of view, and might give the person a bad impression of the beliefs that are most important to you. 
• Many people know very little about politics or particular religious beliefs or practices. If you are well-informed and able to express your views calmly and clearly, consider yourself an educator and use your knowledge to share your beliefs and clear up common misconceptions. 

Special Notes about Facebook, Twitter and other social media:

• Be cautious about posting jokes or graphics about religion or politics on Facebook, Twitter or other social media. People can and do overreact to these no matter how you meant it--for a laugh, for discussion or just to state a point--when you posted. 
• Consider commenting on your post how you did mean the post to be taken: "Just posting this for a laugh!" for example, or
  "This clearly expresses my point of view." or, "This is very informative." 
• Don't feel that you have to respond to all comments or get into a "discussion", especially if other comments are rude. However, if you can express your thoughts and beliefs clearly, this is a good opportunity to do so; keep your remarks factual and objective without insulting or name-calling.
• Ignore comments that are rude or contain name-calling or inflammatory comments. 
• Remember that when you are posting, or reading comments, you can't "read" the emotion behind the comment as you can when you're talking with someone. Don't be automatically offended by a comment that might be meant as humor, and consider marking humorous comments that you make with an "LOL" or smiley face so people are clear that you are joking. 
• If you know your post will offend close relatives and/or friends, is it worth posting? Only you can decide. 

Don’t . . . 

• . . . use inflammatory words like ‘stupid‘, ‘idiotic‘, or anything demeaning. 
• . . . discuss a controversial topic if the other person is very argumentative or inebriated. 
• . . . use absolutes (always, never) when describing your own, or the opposing, point of view. There are almost always exceptions. 
• . . . have religious or political debates in an inappropriate setting, like at a funeral.

What do you do or say when religion or politics comes up in a conversation? Do you talk calmly about it or change the subject? 

------------------------

This post is an excerpt from “What Should I Say? The Right (and Wrong!) Words and Deeds for Life’s Sticky, Tricky Uncomfortable Situations”

by Shelly Burke, RN. Coming soon!

 Download “What Should I Say” and be prepared for any of life’s sticky, tricky uncomfortable situations!

______________________________________________________

                                                                   

The mission of the “Nebraska Family Times” is to “inspire, encourage and motivate you on your Christian walk.” To receive local, state and national news from a Christian point of view, as well as devotions, Bible Study and articles about all aspects of Christian life, in your mailbox every month, subscribe for only $20 for 12 issues! Click “Subscribe” on the sidebar or send your address and payment to Nebraska Family Times, 209 27^th St. Apt. #13, Columbus, NE 68601.

I am also taking the Blogging A to Z Challenge at Home is Where the Mom Is; A Christian Mom's Guide,

where the theme is “Lifehacks for Christian Moms.”

A to Z Blogging "U is for..."

"...Unexpected Pregnancy"
From the series "Words Matter"
by Shelly Burke, RN, Author, and Publisher, Nebraska Family Times newspaper

When a Friend’s Unmarried Child is Pregnant
A parent who is faced with a unmarried child’s pregnancy is confronted with many issues and choices, and will be feeling a wide range of emotions. The following comments and suggestions are appropriate to say to both the child and her parents. 

What to Say

• “We are keeping you and your family in our prayers.” 
• “God bless you for choosing life for your baby.”
• “I’m a good listener if you ever want to talk!”
• “Your child is blessed to have your love.”
• “We will support you all whether you decide to keep the baby or put her up for adoption.”
• "A baby is never a mistake. It might come at an inconvenient time or less-than-ideal circumstances, but a baby is never a 'mistake'."
• To the parents:
• “You taught your kids well; as parents we just can’t have total control over everything they do; at some point they make their own decisions. It is not your fault this happened!" 

What Not to Say
To the parents:

• “Does she even know who the father of the baby is?”
• “How could she live with herself if she gave the baby up for adoption?”
• “How were they so dumb to get into this mess--don’t they know about birth control?”
• “Didn’t you see this coming?”
• “They just have to keep the baby/give the baby up for adoption.”

To the child:

• “How could you be so dumb?”
• “How could you do this to your family?”
• “You have ruined your life!”
• “You have to . . . “ “You cannot . . . “

What to Do

• Think before you speak when you learn about the pregnancy, especially if you are shocked.
  
• Discourage abortion if they are considering it as an option; offer other options, provide the phone number for an adoption agency; offer to make an appointment and go with them. to talk with a pastor. 
• Encourage the family to work with someone trained in dealing with this situation. 
• Use the situation as an opportunity to talk with your kids about consequences of their choices. 
• Be friendly and say “Hello!” when you see the child or family in church, at school, at work, or in the store.   
• Send a card to the parents of the child, thanking them for choosing life for the baby, reminding them that kids make their own choices, and assuring them that you will keep them in your prayers. 

Don’t . . . 

• . . . pass on any information if you’re not sure the family wants it made public. 
• . . . speculate as to circumstances of the pregnancy, who the father might be, if the child will be placed for adoption, and so on.  
• . . . plan a baby shower or give gifts unless/until you know their plans regarding adoption. 
• . . . lecture; express your feelings and beliefs in a way that is godly and non-critical.
• . . . feel obligated to attend a baby shower or give gifts if doing so is not in accordance with your beliefs and feelings about the situation.  
• . . . accept plans for an abortion without expressing your pro-life beliefs. If you are reluctant to do this, remember that the life of a baby is at stake.
• . . . react with shock regarding the details of paternity, plans for the baby, and so on. Ask the Lord to guide your words and take a deep breath (or two or three!) before saying anything. 

If a Friend is Unexpectedly Pregnant

It might take your friend some time to get used to an unexpected pregnancy! She will appreciate your friendship and support. 

What to Say

• “How do you feel about the news?” and then, “Congratulations!” or “Oh, my!” depending on how your friend reacts to the news that she is pregnant. 
• “It is OK to have mixed feelings about your pregnancy!”
• “The baby is blessed to be coming into your family.”

What Not to Say

• “Better you than me!”
  
• “What were you thinking?”
• “Don’t you know what causes babies?”
• “Do you know what can go wrong in a woman your age?”

What to Do

• Accept your friend’s feelings of confusion, joy, anger, and/or ambivalence.  
• Let your friend talk, cry, yell. Accept her feelings and emotions.
• When you sense the time is right, remind her that God has His plan, and babies are a miracle and blessing. 
• Discourage abortion; encourage adoption if the situation is such that the person feels she cannot give the baby a good home. 

Don’t . . . 

•  . . . buy gifts or offer to loan maternity clothes or baby supplies until your friend is ready. 
• . . . criticize your friend’s feelings of confusion, ambivalence, anger, or disappointment. 
• . . . share the news with anyone until she says it’s OK to do so. 
• . . . accept plans for an abortion without expressing your pro-life views; the life of a baby is at stake!

 Have you been in either of these situations? What was the best or worst thing someone said to you? What did you say to someone in these situations?

----------------------

This post is an excerpt from “What Should I Say? The Right (and Wrong!) Words and Deeds for Life’s Sticky, Tricky Uncomfortable Situations”

by Shelly Burke, RN. Coming soon!

 Download “What Should I Say” and be prepared for any of life’s sticky, tricky uncomfortable situations!

______________________________________________________

                                                                   

The mission of the “Nebraska Family Times” is to “inspire, encourage and motivate you on your Christian walk.” To receive local, state and national news from a Christian point of view, as well as devotions, Bible Study and articles about all aspects of Christian life, in your mailbox every month, subscribe for only $20 for 12 issues! Click “Subscribe” on the sidebar or send your address and payment to Nebraska Family Times, 209 27^th St. Apt. #13, Columbus, NE 68601.

I am also taking the Blogging A to Z Challenge at Home is Where the Mom Is; A Christian Mom's Guide,

where the theme is “Lifehacks for Christian Moms.”

A to Z Blogging "O is for..."

...Other Children and Your Child Not Getting Along"
From the series "Words Matter"
by Shelly Burke, RN, Author, and Editor, Nebraska Family Times newspaper

 In every young child’s life there seems to be, on occasion, a child who hits, kicks or bites; doesn’t share; screams or spits, and generally makes it difficult for your child to enjoy his company. The situation is made worse if the other child’s parents do not make their child behave in a socially acceptable manner. Here are some tactful ways to try to remedy the situation.

What to Say

• To the parent; “My child is a bit intimidated by your child’s yelling and screaming while they are playing. Could you talk with him about that before he comes over?”
• To the child (in front of the parent if possible); “We have a new rule at our house; no calling names. Anyone who does has to sit in the time-out chair. This includes moms, dads, and visitors.”
• If the situation is not improving, say to the parent, “Our children just don’t seem to be enjoying each other’s company lately. Let’s take a break from play-dates for awhile. I’m sure it’s just a stage and they’ll enjoy playing together again soon.”

What Not to Say

• “You’re just not disciplining your child like you should be. If you were, he wouldn’t be acting this way.”
• “Your kid is a brat and terrorizes other kids.”

What to Do

• If the issues causing you discomfort are differences in parenting style (how the parents discipline their child, for
  
  example), be careful not to sound judgmental. 
• Remember that what you say or do could potentially damage your relationship with the child’s parents and your child’s friendship.   
• If you feel the friendship is not healthy for your child, or your child no longer wants to spend time with the child, gently cut off play-dates. Don’t invite the child over for play-dates, and politely decline play-date invitations. If you do this several times, the friendship will probably gradually fade out. If the invitations continue, you might want to say something like, “This summer will be very busy for us; we won’t have time for play-dates.” “We’ve been so busy lately, we’ve decided to just concentrate on family things for awhile. I’ll let you know when we’re ready for play-dates again.”
• If the offending child’s home life is chaotic, contact with your family might be the only stability in the child’s life. Keep this fact in mind when you consider cutting off play-dates.

Don’t . . . 

• . . . overreact to minor skirmishes or disagreements between children. 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This post is an excerpt from “What Should I Say? The Right (and Wrong!) Words and Deeds for Life’s Sticky, Tricky Uncomfortable Situations”

by Shelly Burke, RN. Coming soon!

 Download “What Should I Say” and be prepared for any of life’s sticky, tricky uncomfortable situations!

______________________________________________________

                                                                   

The mission of the “Nebraska Family Times” is to “inspire, encourage and motivate you on your Christian walk.” To receive local, state and national news from a Christian point of view, as well as devotions, Bible Study and articles about all aspects of Christian life, in your mailbox every month, subscribe for only $20 for 12 issues! Click “Subscribe” on the sidebar or send your address and payment to Nebraska Family Times, 209 27^th St. Apt. #13, Columbus, NE 68601.

I am also taking the Blogging A to Z Challenge at 

Home is Where the Mom Is,

where the theme is “Lifehacks for Christian Moms.”

A to Z Blogging Challenge "N is for..."

"...How to say "NO"
(In the interest of catching up, I'm reposting this post from Home is Where the Mom Is.)
by Shelly Burke, RN, Author, and Editor, Nebraska Family Times 

From "Mommy, can I have juice?" to "Where are my socks?" "Do you have just a moment to hear about our amazing new product?" "Can you teach Sunday School tomorrow?" "Will you take Dad to the doctor?" "Please bring my lunch to school--I forgot it!" "Will you be a sponsor on the field trip?" "Can you donate to our worthy cause?" "We're looking for donations for our fundraiser" "I'd love for you to join our group!" and ending your day with, "One more drink of water mommy?" and, "Honey, will you rub my back?" you probably receive dozens, if not close to a hundred, requests every day. 

It may be tempting to say "YES" to every request, but you'll quickly realize that doing so may lead to feelings of dread, being overwhelmed, and exhaustion. 

What should you consider in deciding whether to say "no"? 

• All of the details--how much time is involved, if it will cost money (and if so, how much) how many meetings or get-togethers are required, exactly what your job involves, etc. 
• How would this commitment fit in with your other commitments? If it is something that has many benefits, you might decide to fit it in. If not, you might choose to spend your time on other things.
• Would saying "YES" to the request get you any closer to your
  
  
  other goals, or take away time you could spend pursuing your other goals? 
• If it's a personal favor (like giving a loan, washing a teenager's clothes, doing an errand, trading hours with someone who forgot about another commitment), will saying "yes" truly help the person asking, or allow them to avoid responsibility and/or consequences?
• Have you enjoyed doing this sort of thing in the past?
• Would you learn a new skill, or use a skill that you have and enjoy using?
• Prayerfully consider the request, and open your heart to God's direction. He might urge you in a direction that you'd rather not go, but listen to Him anyway.
• Don't automatically say "NO", even if the request is outside of your comfort range. As Christians we are to be open to helping others, especially those who don't have anyone else to help. 
• How will you say if you say "yes"? Relieved? Excited? Full of dread? Overwhelmed?

What to say when you need time to think about the request:

• "I need to check my calendar before I make a commitment."
• "My husband and I have an agreement that we will not commit to anything before talking with each other."
• "I'll have to see if I can find a babysitter for that night." 
• "That is a big commitment and I need to pray and think about it before I make a decision. I will let you know next Tuesday." 

Principles of saying "NO":

• It's ok to say no for any reason...or for no reason. God says "NO" to many of our requests when He knows they are not right for us. If you are confident in your reasons to turn down a request, you have no reason to feel guilty about it. Although you might give a reason to close friends or family members, you don't "owe" anyone an explanation. 
• No one can "make" you feel guilty about saying "NO". If you
  
  are confident in your reasoning, you have no reason to feel guilty; it is your choice to feel guilty. 
• The person asking might wait silently after you've said no, hoping that you'll give an explanation or change your mind and say "YES." Or she might be bold enough to challenge your answer and demand to know why you said "NO." Don't be intimidated or bullied. Calmly repeat your answer as needed. 
• Don't cave into the pressure of giving an answer immediately. If someone continues to pressure you, simply say, "If I have to make a decision right now, my answer has to be "NO"."

How to say "NO":

• "Thank you for thinking of me, but I just cannot take on that responsibility right now." 
• "That just won't fit in with my schedule right now; we are making family activities a priority this year." 
• "I'm sorry, I already have plans." (Even if they are plans for a quiet day at home.)
• "I know I helped last year, but I just can't this year."
• "I can't help with the fundraiser this year, but put me down for next year"! (Only say this if you mean it; you will get called next year!)
• "That is not one of my skills or interests, but I could help by..."
• "Honey, you need to learn to do your own laundry. I will show you how!"

Have you ever regretted not saying "NO"? How do you turn down requests?

Watch for "Y is for...When to Say "YES"!" on the second to last day of the A to Z Blogging Challenge at Home is Where the Mom Is !

A to Z Blogging "M is for..."

"...Miscarriage"
From the Series "Words Matter"
by Shelly Burke, RN, Author, and Editor, Nebraska Family Times newspaper

Around 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, so chances are great someone you know has, or will, experience a miscarriage. When someone suffers a miscarriage the loss is real, even if there was no outward evidence of the baby. The parents, as well as siblings, grandparents, and other relatives, suffer the loss of hopes and dreams about a baby who now will not be born.  Here are some suggestions for comforting someone who has experienced that loss. 

What to Say

• “I’m so very sorry for your loss!”
• “How are you feeling?” (This allows the woman to talk about her physical, as well as emotional, feelings.)
• “I cannot imagine the pain and loss you must be feeling!”
• “It’s OK to be mad at God.”
• “I’ve experienced miscarriages; it was a very painful time. If I can help you by telling you about it, please let me know.”
• “We lost a baby several years ago." 
• “What a great loss! I’m praying for your peace and for God to give you comfort and peace and continued direction in your life.” 

What Not to Say

• “It wasn’t really a baby, just a bunch of cells. Don’t be so sad.”
• “It must have been deformed.”
• “It just wasn’t mean to be.” (If the other person says this, it’s OK to agree with her.)
• “At least you have your other children.” (Babies are not interchangeable!)
• “You might not have been a good parent anyway.”
  
• “You won’t miss what you never had.”
• “You can have my children!”
• “Do you want to hold my baby?”
• “You’re not missing much; kids are so much trouble.”
• “At least you didn’t get attached to the baby.”
• “I just know God will give you your miracle baby.” (No, you do not know that!)
• “It’s God’s will--accept it and move on.”
• “You can try again.”  “You‘ll get pregnant again soon.” “You’ll have a healthy baby someday.” (Many women are not able to conceive after a miscarriage, or have multiple miscarriages.) 

What to Do

• The general suggestions about what to do after a death, earlier in the chapter, are appropriate, as well as the following.
• Acknowledge the loss as you would any other death; with cards, flowers, and memorials. 
• If you have experienced a miscarriage, say something like, “I lost a baby, too, and it was very hard!” Don’t go into the details unless the other person asks; this is not about your experience, but about sympathizing with the person who has just recently experienced the loss.
• Remember that the father, grandparents and siblings are feeling the loss, too! Express your sympathies to them. CAUTION: Make sure extended family members were aware of the pregnancy before mentioning the miscarriage; the parents might not have shared the news of the pregnancy with all family members.  
• Remember that as well as the emotional loss, the mother is experiencing the physical manifestations of miscarriage; hormonal and physical changes, and possibly a surgical procedure. Offer to take a meal, clean her house, watch her kids, go shopping for groceries, and so on, so she can begin to heal physically as well as emotionally.
• Accept and encourage any rituals that the parents choose, to help them remember the baby. They might want to make footprints, and/or have a memorial service or burial.  
• Ask the parents how they are doing weeks and months later (especially around the baby‘s due date), not just immediately after the miscarriage. 
• Remember that it takes time to grieve this loss of a baby; it does not take less time to recover from the death of an unborn baby, than the death of an adult loved one. 
• Realize that a person who has had a miscarriage may cry when she sees a diaper commercial, a baby, or attends a baby shower. 
• Send a card or e-mail; consider including a verse like Psalm 18:30, Pro. 3:5-6, or Matt. 14:19. 

Don’t . . . 

• . . . ask for the baby furniture or any supplies purchased for the baby who died.
• . . . clean out the nursery for them; doing that is part of the healing process. It is OK to help if you’re asked. 

-----------------------------------------

This post is an excerpt from “What Should I Say? The Right (and Wrong!) Words and Deeds for Life’s Sticky, Tricky Uncomfortable Situations”

by Shelly Burke, RN. Coming soon!

 Download “What Should I Say” and be prepared for any of life’s sticky, tricky uncomfortable situations!

______________________________________________________

                                                                   

The mission of the “Nebraska Family Times” is to “inspire, encourage and motivate you on your Christian walk.” To receive local, state and national news from a Christian point of view, as well as devotions, Bible Study and articles about all aspects of Christian life, in your mailbox every month, subscribe for only $20 for 12 issues! Click “Subscribe” on the sidebar or send your address and payment to Nebraska Family Times, 209 27^th St. Apt. #13, Columbus, NE 68601.

I am also taking the Blogging A to Z Challenge at 

Home is Where the Mom Is ,

where the theme is “Lifehacks for Christian Moms.”

A to Z Blogging Challenge "L is for..."

"...Limiting or Cutting Contact with Family Members"
From the series "Words Matter"
by Shelly Burke, RN, Author, and Editor, Nebraska Family Times newspaper

The decision to limit contact or cut all ties with a family member or members is a difficult one and should not be made in haste or without a lot of thought and prayer. Situations in which you may choose to cut off contact temporarily or permanently may include abuse (towards yourself or someone else), violence, drug or alcohol abuse, damaging manipulative behavior, living an immoral lifestyle, and/or criminal behavior.  

If you or other family members are in danger, or discover something extremely  troubling about the person (that he or she has sexually abused someone, for example), you’ll probably leave that person’s presence immediately. Whether you see the person again depends on the specifics of the situation and if the person is remorseful and makes amends. 

If your seeing the person again depends on specific things he or she does or does not do, make that clear to the person face to face, over the phone, or by mail or e-mail, depending on the specifics of situation. Your priority is keeping yourself and your family safe. Do not put yourself in danger. 

What to Say

• “I will not be around you if you are using illegal drugs.”
• “When you were so angry last week, I was afraid you were going to physically hurt someone. You will not be invited to our home again until and unless you get your temper under control. I think you need professional help and hope you get it." 
• Call me when you are able to be with us without getting so
  angry.” 
• “Hitting your spouse is wrong, and you are not welcome in our home until you get professional help. You and your wife are in
  
  our prayers.”
• “Your actions with that child are absolutely unacceptable. It is not safe for you to be around children, and we will not be around you unless and until you accept you have a problem and are able to control it.”
• “Every time we’re together dad gets angry about something, overreacts, calls names, and ruins the occasion. I’m not going to let him set such a negative example for our children; we want them to remember holidays as fun events, not stressful ones. We will not be spending any holidays with him until and unless he changes his behavior.” 
• When talking with the person exhibiting the behaviors, set firm limits; “In the past, your behavior with family members has been inappropriate and rude. It doesn’t matter why you continue to act that way even after we’ve talked about it and you’ve promised to not act that way. I want to have a relationship with you, but cannot and will not do that unless and until you treat us with respect. That means no yelling, name calling, or critical remarks. If you continue to treat us inappropriately, we will not be able to be in the same place at the same time. You will not intimidate or hurt me or my family any more.” 

What Not to Say

• “Your behavior is horrible and we can’t stand to be around you.” (Instead of saying this, point out specific behaviors that are unacceptable to you.)

What to Do

• Pray for God’s guidance as to what to do to protect yourself and your family.
• Consider asking another family member or friend to be present while you talk to the person about his or her negative behaviors.
• Be calm and objective when you talk with the person about his behavior.
• Consider attending at least part of a family event, even if you suspect you’ll have to leave early due to the behavior of another person. If the situation takes a turn for the worse, it’s OK to leave. Sometimes it takes a dramatic event--like part of the family leaving right in the middle of dinner--for the person causing the problem, and the rest of the family, to realize the damage that person is causing. The statement you make by leaving might give the rest of the family the courage to take a stand of their own, or pressure the trouble-maker to act in an acceptable manner.    

Don’t . . . 

• . . . continue relationships that are harmful or dangerous to yourself or your family. 

Explaining Your Actions to Other Family Members

It’s probably not necessary to tell distant, rarely-seen relatives, every detail of why you‘ve decided to limit contact with a family

member or not attend an event. However, if the person you are avoiding could be a danger to others, you have an obligation to share relevant details so others can protect themselves and their families. If family get-togethers have been contentious for years, others will probably understand (even if they do not like the fact that you are pulling away), without your outlining the details, your decision not to attend an event or get together.  

If the conflict was not common knowledge, you have to decide how many and which of the details to share. Before you do so, consider your motives--is it really necessary to share every detail, or are you sharing unnecessary details for revenge or to ‘prove’ you were ‘right’ about something? 

The following examples will give you ideas for dealing with this situation. 

What to Say

• To an elderly aunt whom you rarely see, when she asks why you didn’t attend the reunion the previous summer; “It just didn’t work out for us last year. But we hope to see you very soon!”
• A cousin with whom you’re close; “My sister and I have a difficult relationship, and it’s best if we’re not together at family gatherings. Her behaviors towards my family hurt them deeply, and I’m not going to ask them to put themselves through that. We’re sorry to miss the get-together but have to this year.”
• To your mother; “It’s just too hard to be around my brother when he constantly reminds me of mistakes I made years ago. I’ve asked him over and over not to bring them up, but he continues to. I’m not going to come to the wedding this summer because I’m not going to put myself through that again.”
• “The last three holiday dinners have ended in tears. Our family is going to spend it alone this year; we’re not inviting anyone.” 
• To your brother, whose wife disrupts holiday gatherings; “I’m sorry to have to say this, but your wife’s behavior at family events is just too disruptive. She makes fun of our children and made mom cry with her cruel remarks last year. If she will not promise to not yell or make critical comments this year, I’m afraid we can’t invite her.” 

What Not to Say

• “He is a jerk and no one should be around him.”
• “If you care about me you won’t go to the reunion either.”
• “We’re not coming and you should know why.”
• “Whatever she says is a lie. You better not listen, if you want to be friends with me.”

What to Do

• Prayerfully consider the actions that are best for you and your family.
• Tell others of your decision objectively and calmly.
• Tell other family members of potentially harmful behaviors like violence, sexual abuse, or criminal activity.
• Consider giving more details to someone who can and will try
  
  to do something about the disruptive family member. 
• Remember that family dynamics are complicated and can be unpredictable; people who could do something about the troubling family member, for a variety of reasons, might not be willing to do so. 
• Be prepared for any reaction from the person you bring into the situation--they could be willing to help, or become very defensive and angry at you. 

Don’t . . . 

• . . . ask people to take sides in the conflict.
• . . . be vengeful in what you say; tell only the truth.
• . . . second-guess your decision if family members tell you that you are ‘over-reacting’ or wrong to pull back from other family members. Your priority is to protect yourself and your family.  

Have you had to limit contact with family members? 

--------------------------

This post is an excerpt from “What Should I Say? The Right (and Wrong!) Words and Deeds for Life’s Sticky, Tricky Uncomfortable Situations”

by Shelly Burke, RN. Coming soon!

 Download “What Should I Say” and be prepared for any of life’s sticky, tricky uncomfortable situations!

______________________________________________________

                                                                   

The mission of the “Nebraska Family Times” is to “inspire, encourage and motivate you on your Christian walk.” To receive local, state and national news from a Christian point of view, as well as devotions, Bible Study and articles about all aspects of Christian life, in your mailbox every month, subscribe for only $20 for 12 issues! Click “Subscribe” on the sidebar or send your address and payment to Nebraska Family Times, 209 27^th St. Apt. #13, Columbus, NE 68601.

I am also taking the Blogging A to Z Challenge at Home is Where the Mom Is; A Christian Mom's Guide,

where the theme is “Lifehacks for Christian Moms.”

A to Z Challenge "K is for..."

"...Kids Behaving Badly--Yours and Other People's"
From the series "Words Matter"
by Shelly Burke, RN, Author, and Editor, Nebraska Family Times newspaper

If Someone’s Kids are Behaving Badly

Should you tell someone her kids are doing something you know she, as a parent, would not approve of? Before you pass on any information about her child, be sure the action or behavior you’re reporting is something that could harm the child (or another person), or is something you know the parents would not approve of. 

While you might not let your kids wear shorts if it is below 60 degrees outside, some parents let their kids wear shorts regardless of the temperature. Another example: In some families, using certain words might be acceptable, even if they are not words you allow used in your home. If you report something like this to parents and it is within their family rules, you risk sounding judgmental. 

If the child is doing something that is against the law--stealing, drinking alcohol, smoking--or putting himself or others in danger by posting her home address on an Internet chat site or talking

about bringing a gun to school, you have an obligation to tell his or her parents, and the proper authorities, if necessary.  

Do not pass on any information about a child’s behavior or actions unless you actually saw the event happen or know the information is accurate. The parent’s first reaction might be to become angry with you; stay calm, reassure the parent of your intentions to protect the child, and offer to help the parent deal with the problem. Here are several ways to approach this difficult situation.

What to Say

• “Since teens have such a high rate of accidents anyway, I wanted to tell you that I saw Seymore driving well above the speed limit the other day, and he was not wearing his seatbelt.”
• “I would want this information passed on to me if it was one of my children, so I wanted to let you know that I saw Carlie smoking with a group of kids outside of the school yesterday.”
• “My mother saw Dexter at the mall yesterday during school hours; she knew it was him because he was wearing his letter jacket with his name on it.”
• “My kids came home very upset after Leslie told them she was going to bring beer to school in her backpack tomorrow.” 
• “My children were checking out your daughter’s online profile yesterday--there are some very suggestive photos on it, along with her cell phone number.” 

What Not to Say

• “I don’t know if it’s actually true but you need to know that I heard that . . . “
• “Your kid is going to get into big trouble if you don’t start paying attention . . .” 

What to Do

• Pray for the wisdom to handle the situation in a way that will protect the child. 
• Be kind, pleasant, and non-judgmental when you talk to the parents about their child. Remind them that you told them in order to help their child.  
• Offer to give parents the phone number of a counselor, name of a helpful book, information about group meetings, or other resources as applicable to the situation, without being pushy. 
• Realize that giving the parents this information could cause tension in your friendship. Remember that you’re doing it for the safety and well-being of their child and others. 

Don’t . . . 

• . . . pass on second, or third, or fourth hand information.

If Someone Else’s Kids are Having Problems

It’s a difficult time for a friend if her child is in trouble or having

problems. Whether the problem is fairly minor or more serious (stealing, using drugs, being involved with a gang), parents will appreciate your  support and encouragement. 

What to Say

• “You are all in our prayers.” 
• “It must be difficult to have this going on in your life.” 
• “I know you taught her different than that; sometimes as parents we just can’t prevent things like this.”
• “Our child went through a stage where he didn’t want to go to church and turned away from God; it only lasted a few months but seemed like much longer. Hang in there! I’m here if you want to talk about it.”
• “How are things with Colleen going?” 
• “When my kids were doing that, I  . . . “ 
• “A book that really helped us was . . . “
• “You are doing the right thing, even though it is difficult.”
• “I have the name of a counselor who is good with children of that age. Would you like the name and number?”
• “God gives our children free will to make their own decisions, no matter what we’ve taught them.”
• “Your work as a parent was not in vain.” 
• “Your children have made a lot of good choices; this is just one negative one.”
• “Hang in there . . . this too shall pass.” 

What Not to Say

• “Here’s what you need to do.”
• “You better do something or he’ll turn into an axe murderer!”
• “He’s that way because . . . “ 
• “Well that won’t help!” (when said as a reply to what the parents are trying to do to help the child).

What to Do

• Pray for God to guide the parents to do the right thing for their
  
  child. 
• Call or e-mail to offer encouragement.
• Listen without judgment; allow the parent to express his or her feelings/emotions, and accept his or her feelings of anger, sadness, disappointment, fear, and so on. 
• Offer to go with the person to seek information, talk with a lawyer, etc. 
• Take  younger kids in the family to the movies or park or out to eat, to give the parents some time alone together or with the child who is having problems.  

Don’t . . . 

• . . . criticize what the parents are doing (or not doing).
• . . . spread information if you don’t know it is true.

If Your Kid is in Trouble

What to Say 

• “We’re disappointed at the path he’s taking, but we still love him.” 
• “That’s not how we brought him up, but he’s still our child.”
• “We’re doing everything we can to help.”
• “We’re keeping the details to ourselves; we’re doing everything we need to.”
• “We are respecting our daughter’s privacy in this; please pray for her to make good decisions.”
• “Please keep our family in your prayers.”

What Not to Say

• “Don’t ask about it!” (Be polite about requesting your privacy.)

What to Do

• Pray for guidance to do what is best for your child.
• Ask parents who have been through troubles with their children, for help.

Don’t . . . 

• . . . share any details you’re not comfortable sharing. 

Have you told parents their kids are behaving badly? What did you say?

-------------------------------------

This post is an excerpt from “What Should I Say? The Right (and Wrong!) Words and Deeds for Life’s Sticky, Tricky Uncomfortable Situations”

by Shelly Burke, RN. Coming soon!

 Download “What Should I Say” and be prepared for any of life’s sticky, tricky uncomfortable situations!

______________________________________________________

                                                                   

The mission of the “Nebraska Family Times” is to “inspire, encourage and motivate you on your Christian walk.” To receive local, state and national news from a Christian point of view, as well as devotions, Bible Study and articles about all aspects of Christian life, in your mailbox every month, subscribe for only $20 for 12 issues! Click “Subscribe” on the sidebar or send your address and payment to Nebraska Family Times, 209 27^th St. Apt. #13, Columbus, NE 68601.

I am also taking the Blogging A to Z Challenge at Home is Where the Mom Is; A Christian Mom's Guide,

where the theme is “Lifehacks for Christian Moms.”