A to Z Blogging "W is for..."

"...Worst Things to say in Any Situation"
From the Series "Words Matter"
by Shelly Burke, RN, Author, and Editor, Nebraska Family Times Newspaper

Sometimes we’re tempted to use these phrases because we’re so uncomfortable with a grieving or suffering person’s emotions. Resist the temptation and do not say them! Instead, use one of the phrases on the next page, which will be much more comforting and helpful.

• “I know just EXACTLY how you feel!” (No, you don't know "exactly" how someone feels...even if the circumstances seem the same, they are not, and people do not react to or feel the same way even in similar circumstances.)
• “Don’t worry, it will all work out perfectly and everything will be just fine.” (You don't know this and can't promise it.)
• “Here’s what you need to do . . . “ (You don't know all the details, and even if you do, it's not your place to say what someone "needs" to do.)
• “It can’t be THAT bad!” (To the person it is happening to, YES it CAN be that bad!)
• “Get over it! You‘ve felt that way long enough.” (There is no timetable for grief. Grief after a death, divorce, or other life-changing event, will be life-long.)
• “You’ve grieved enough.” (How do you know what "enough"
  
  is?)
• “You’re not grieving in the ‘right’ way.” (What is the "right" way to grieve??? If you're concerned about how someone is reacting to grief, talk with a professional before confronting them. And do so in a kinder way.)
• “Don’t feel that way!” (There is no right or wrong way to "feel".)
• “Don’t say that!” (We say this because we are uncomfortable; it is a blessing to allow someone to share all of their thoughts and have them be accepted by the listener without judgement.)
• “Don’t cry!” (Again, we say this because we are uncomfortable seeing someone grieve. Push aside your own discomfort and give the person the blessing of letting her cry without judgement.) 

Click here for the The Best Things to Say in Any Situation
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The mission of the “Nebraska Family Times” is to “inspire, encourage and motivate you on your Christian walk.” To receive local, state and national news from a Christian point of view, as well as devotions, Bible Study and articles about all aspects of Christian life, in your mailbox every month, subscribe for only $20 for 12 issues! Click “Subscribe” on the sidebar or send your address and payment to Nebraska Family Times, 209 27^th St. Apt. #13, Columbus, NE 68601.

I am also taking the Blogging A to Z Challenge at 

Home is Where the Mom Is; A Christian Mom's Guide, 

where the theme is “Lifehacks for Christian Moms.”

Blogging A to Z on Throwback Thursday, "T is for..."

A to Z Blogging: T is for...Thoughts

By Shelly Burke, Editor

(This post originally appeared on April 23, 2013. I needed this reminder today and pray it blesses you as well!)

For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ…” 2 Corin. 10:5

My thoughts, especially in the middle of the night, can take me to scary places. “What if I lose my jobs—both of them…can’t get another nursing job of any kind anywhere in the whole state (or country!)… and I eat alllllllllll of the food in my cupboards….still don’t have a job so get evicted…and my Envoy breaks down….so I have to have it towed down by the river so I can live in an Envoy, down by the river…?(Like whatever that song is, about “ living in a van, down by the river”).

Or, even darker…”What if I can’t get insurance when our COBRA runs out…and then I get cancer (I’ve had two friends diagnosed with breast cancer in the last few weeks)…and I’m all alone…and NONE of my friends will take me to ANY appointments…and anyway I’m living in my broken-down Envoy, down by the river…”

OK, in the bright light of day, and even during the night, I realize how ridiculous these thoughts are. For one thing I am blessed with many wonderful friends who would help me out, just as I would help them.  But I think everyone has had those dark and racing thoughts at some point—especially during a time of transition and in the dark of night.

I think the devil likes us to have these thoughts—he wants us to live in fear, both to take away our joy of living, and to make us doubt what we know about God, and the promises that God has given us.

What Paul is telling us here is that we have more than just ourselves—our flesh—to fight these thoughts. We do not have to do it alone! We have the divine power of the Holy Spirit, working through God’s Word, the Holy Bible, on our side, to dispute these thoughts. We can look to His word and destroy the thoughts that are contrary to what we know of God.  

And what does God’s word say about His character and His promises to us?

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified…for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.”

     Deuteronomy 31:6

“And He will give His angels charge over you, to keep you in all your ways.”

Psalm 91:11

“Cast all your anxiety upon the Lord because He cares for you!”

1 Peter 5:7

Pray to be discerning, to be able to tell when your thoughts are going into those dark places. When dark thoughts enter your mind, take them captive. Compare them to what you know about God and about His Word. Claim His promises. Accept His peace.

A to Z Blogging "S is for..."

"...Stopping Spouse Bashing"
From the series "Words Matter"
by Shelly Burke, RN, Author, and Publisher of the Nebraska Family Times newspaper

When you’re with friends or co-workers or a group of people, the conversation often turns to spouses and their shortcomings, and then further deteriorates into a session of spouse bashing. While you may enjoy having the momentary attention of having the ‘worst spouse,’ criticizing your spouse can erode your relationship with him or her. 

Here are some responses that will turn the conversation in a more positive direction.

What to Say 

• “I hate to criticize; after all, I’m certainly not perfect either!”
• “I am so blessed; my husband took the kids to the park so I
  
  could have a nap yesterday.”
• “On our last anniversary, my husband and I promised to never criticize or complain about each other to anyone else, but instead to talk with each other if there are problems.” 
• “My wife made me a wonderful supper last night, and afterwards, rubbed my back! I love her so much.” 
• “I made a resolution to not talk to anyone but my spouse about any complaints about him; do you want to join me on that resolution?”

What Not to Say

• “Wow, your husband sounds like a real loser!”
• “Let me tell you how much worse my wife is!”
• “I wouldn’t put up with that behavior--tell her to shape up or ship out.” 

What to Do

• Talk over problems with your spouse, not someone outside of your marriage. 
• If you need to talk with someone about small irritations or
  
  problems, do so to a close friend who shares your beliefs and will encourage you to improve your marriage, not add to the spouse bashing. 
• After you’ve talked with your friend, make an effort to talk about the positive attributes of your spouse. 
• When you are in a group and spouse-bashing begins, pray for the right words to say, or the strength to walk away from the conversation. 
• Consider making a commitment with your spouse to only say flattering and positive things about each other in public. 
• Say flattering and positive things about your spouse, whether or not he or she is within earshot. 
• Pray for your spouse; pray to see his or her strong points, not weaknesses. 
• Change the subject; to the weather, sports, or anything else!
• Walk away if the spouse-bashing continues. 

Don’t . . . 

• . . . join in by criticizing your spouse, or someone else’s, no matter how tempting it is to do so. 
• ...make passive-aggressive posts on Facebook; talk with your spouse instead. 

"Love is patient...love is kind...

it is not arrogant or rude...

it does not rejoice at wrongdoing...

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (excerpts)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

                                                                    

The mission of the “Nebraska Family Times” is to “inspire, encourage and motivate you on your Christian walk.” To receive local, state and national news from a Christian point of view, as well as devotions, Bible Study and articles about all aspects of Christian life, in your mailbox every month, subscribe for only $20 for 12 issues! Click “Subscribe” on the sidebar or send your address and payment to Nebraska Family Times, 209 27^th St. Apt. #13, Columbus, NE 68601.

I am also taking the Blogging A to Z Challenge at 

Home is Where the Mom Is; A Christian Mom's Guide,

where the theme is “Lifehacks for Christian Moms.”

A to Z Blogging "R is for..."

"...Racist, Sexist or Bigoted Remarks or Jokes"
from the series "Words Matter"
by Shelly Burke, RN, Author, and Editor, Nebraska Family Times newspaper

Stereotypical, racist, bigoted, or sexist comments about any group of people are never OK, but unfortunately are a common occurrence. Some people are offended by jokes about blonds or people of a certain age or ethnic or religious group, and some are not. Before you tell a joke targeting a racial, ethnic, social, or religious group of people, ask yourself if you would think it was funny if you belonged to that group. If you would be offended, or if you sense someone in the group would be offended, don’t tell the joke. 

Use the following remarks if unacceptable comments are made.

What to Say

• “That is a very sexist comment!”
• “Remarks like that are not appropriate.” 
• “That generalization is untrue for most of the group of people you are talking about.” 
• After a stereotypical comment; “Do you have facts to back that up?” or, “Actually statistics show that . . . “
• “I really don’t like jokes like that. Can we please talk about
  
  something else?” 

What Not to Say

• “ . . . um, er, you know, that’s not the nicest thing to say and maybe we shouldn’t talk about people that way, I think . . . “

What to Do

• Say a quick prayer asking God to give you the right words to diffuse the situation. 
• Say your comments in a calm, firm voice, with a serious expression on your face, and then change the subject to something neutral, like the weather or another generic topic.
• If this situation occurs in your workplace or place of worship, report it to a supervisor, the Human Resources representative, a pastor or elder or other appropriate person. 

Don’t . . . 

• . . . apologize for your beliefs about not making disparaging remarks. 
• ..."let it go." 

--------------------------------

This post is an excerpt from “What Should I Say? The Right (and Wrong!) Words and Deeds for Life’s Sticky, Tricky Uncomfortable Situations”

by Shelly Burke, RN. Coming soon!

 Download “What Should I Say” and be prepared for any of life’s sticky, tricky uncomfortable situations!

______________________________________________________

                                                                   

The mission of the “Nebraska Family Times” is to “inspire, encourage and motivate you on your Christian walk.” To receive local, state and national news from a Christian point of view, as well as devotions, Bible Study and articles about all aspects of Christian life, in your mailbox every month, subscribe for only $20 for 12 issues! Click “Subscribe” on the sidebar or send your address and payment to Nebraska Family Times, 209 27^th St. Apt. #13, Columbus, NE 68601.

I am also taking the Blogging A to Z Challenge at Home is Where the Mom Is; A Christian Mom's Guide,

where the theme is “Lifehacks for Christian Moms.”

A to Z Blogging "Q is for..."

"...The Queen (or King!) of Drama"
From the series "Words Matter"
By Shelly Burke, RN, Author, and Publisher, Nebraska Family Times

(Author's note to my friends: God has blessed me with wonderful friends! I don't have any drama queens or kings in my life, so if you are reading this, it's not written *to* you. We all come in contact with drama queens or kings at some point in our lives (and speaking for myself I can BE a drama queen once in a while...) and I want to share some ways of interacting with them calmly and hopefully helping them with the drama.) 

We ALL have Drama Queen and King moments in our lives, or at least I know I do! These suggestions are for the person for whom every out-of-the-ordinary (and sometimes even the ordinary) occurrence is a crisis. A minor health complaint requires visits to multiple doctors and perhaps specialists. Unhappiness in a job or a perceived snub by someone necessitates lamenting about it all day and multiple vague Facebook updates or tweets. Even world events and national or global issues (the weather, homelessness) can cause this person distress well out of proportion with reality. Nothing can be ‘let go‘; everything is  personal in some way and must be discussed in great detail, often complete with tears. Any and every suggestion you, or anyone else gives, *will not work* to solve or even decrease the drama in the Drama Queen or King's life. 

It helps somewhat to understand what the motivation of a Drama Queen or King might be. Sometimes a person is lonely or doesn't feel that he or she is getting the attention he or she "needs." Some people have had drama of one sort or another present in their life, all their life and it is, to them, a normal and necessary part of life. Drama Kings and Queens can be exhausting to keep up with! If this person is a good friend your goal might be to help the person see how overly-dramatic he or she is being, but in a way that does not hurt feelings or irreparably damage your relationship. If the person is a distant acquaintance you might have to distance yourself from the drama. Always remember to show kindness; you are a child of God and we should always strive to show His love. 


What to Say 

• “Wow, that was quite a performance! Are you ready to talk about it calmly, now?”
• "Let's pray about it, that you will feel God's leading you to a solution." 
• “Since I don’t have millions of dollars to donate, and can’t go over personally to save them, I’m going to leave the plight of the horny toads in South Africa in God’s hands.” 
• “I can tell this is all very upsetting to you . . . Let’s get together to talk about it when I have a few minutes to talk about it.” (Sometimes just talking about something relieves some of the
  
  stress that leads to drama king or queen performances.)
• “What can we do about it?” (depending on the answer, encourage the person to take action or realize that he cannot do anything about this issue).
• If someone has been unwilling to take any action about the situation, kindly say, "When you are ready to do something about this, let me know and I will do what I can to help." 
• On a Facebook post: "You are in my thoughts and prayers." 

What Not to Say

• “Tell me more!” (if you say it seriously).
• “Don’t be ridiculous.” 
• “What is wrong with you?”
• “Why should I care?” (Be kind! The person may tell you, in great detail, why you should care!) 
• On a Facebook post: "You are such a drama queen!" or anything sarcastic or mean. Be kind! 

What to Do

• Pray for God’s guidance to deal with the situation in a way that shows His love. 
• Explain your point of view about the issue, objectively. 
• Point out the facts about the issue objectively. Perhaps the person will realize that it’s not the crisis he or she is making it out to be.
• Try to redirect the conversation to an area that is less emotional, like work, family, or the weather.   
• Distance yourself from the person if he/she is taking too much of your time and energy. This is not an easy thing to do, but may be the best solution. 
• See the positive aspects of the person beyond his actions. 

Don’t . . . 

• . . . react to the performance; calmly say, “We’ve already discussed that,” and then change the subject.
• . . . get caught up in a discussion if the person is clearly
  
  unwilling to consider another point of view or try anything to diminish the drama. Sometimes a discussion will only prolong the drama or allow the person to argue his or her position further.
• ...comment on a Facebook post at all if in the past the person has contradicted or reacted negatively to what you've tried to suggest. 
• ...get into a long "conversation" on Facebook if the Drama King or Queen has been unwilling to accept any potential solutions in the past. 

Is there a Drama Queen or King in Your Life? How do you cope?

---------------------------------------------------------

This post is an excerpt from “What Should I Say? The Right (and Wrong!) Words and Deeds for Life’s Sticky, Tricky Uncomfortable Situations”

by Shelly Burke, RN. Coming soon!

 Download “What Should I Say” and be prepared for any of life’s sticky, tricky uncomfortable situations!

______________________________________________________

                                                                   

The mission of the “Nebraska Family Times” is to “inspire, encourage and motivate you on your Christian walk.” To receive local, state and national news from a Christian point of view, as well as devotions, Bible Study and articles about all aspects of Christian life, in your mailbox every month, subscribe for only $20 for 12 issues! Click “Subscribe” on the sidebar or send your address and payment to Nebraska Family Times, 209 27^th St. Apt. #13, Columbus, NE 68601.

I am also taking the Blogging A to Z Challenge at 

Home is Where the Mom Is; A Christian Mom's Guide,

where the theme is “Lifehacks for Christian Moms.”

A to Z Blogging "P is for..."

"...Politics and Religion" 
From the series "Words Matter"
by Shelly Burke, RN, Author, and Publisher, Nebraska Family Times newspaper

People’s core values and morals are usually based at least partly on religious and/or political beliefs. Almost everyone has passionate feelings about some aspects of religion and/or politics, and since there are (at least) two sides to every issue, there are also many heated discussions about these issues. 

Here are several situations in which you might be, and possible replies:

What to Say

To start a discussion:

• “What did you think of the election?” 
• “What are your thoughts on _____________?”  
• “I’d like to hear your point of view; will you hear my thoughts too?”

You can disagree with actions of a person or group by saying,  

• “I do not agree with the decision to . . . “
• “I think they should have handled it differently . . . “

At an occasion or in a setting where a serious discussion is inappropriate--a funeral, for example--or when you can tell that continuing the conversation will lead to an argument, you might say:

• “I think we’re on the opposite side of that issue and this isn’t really an appropriate place to discuss it, so let’s talk about something else.”  
• With a smile, say, “You’re sitting at the table with three people who happen to take the opposite point of view! Let’s talk about something else.”

If the situation is escalating, diffuse it; 

• “I can see that we have very different thoughts about that, and
  
  
  
  that’s what’s great about America--we can all have our own point of view. How about this nice weather we‘re having?”
• “I don’t think any of us know all the details about that issue . . . let’s just talk about something else. What did you think about the championship game last week?” 

At some time, you will probably be in a situation where you want to talk about your religious beliefs or political views. Remember that the way you present your beliefs will influence how the other person receives them--if you are pushy, strident, critical of his or her beliefs, or confrontational in expressing your own beliefs, the person you are trying to convince might not even hear your message, let alone consider your point of view. Keep your voice calm and expression friendly. You might say;    

• “In our church, we believe _________; in contrast, your church believes __________.” 
• “Our religion teaches __________; how does that compare to what your religion teaches?” 
• “I think the neatest part about what I believe is . . . “
• “Here’s why I’ve taken my view of this issue . . . “
• “My political party is in favor of ________, while yours is against it.” 

What Not to Say

• “I’m right; you’re wrong.”
• “Your religion is really weird.”
• “Your political party is always for the wrong thing.” 
• “If you believe what you do, you’re stupid.”

What to Do

• If you do decide to get into a conversation about religion or politics, make sure you truly want to talk about the issue, not just argue about it, and are able to clearly state and explain your position, as well as calmly listen to another point of view. 
• Always remain calm when presenting your beliefs. If a particular issue comes up frequently, consider writing out and practicing the important points so you can present them clearly
  
  and calmly. 
• Calmly listen to the other person’s point of view, without interrupting. 
• If the situation is escalating, diffuse it by making one of the comments listed previously, or walking away. If you become angry, you will not convince anyone of your point of view, and might give the person a bad impression of the beliefs that are most important to you. 
• Many people know very little about politics or particular religious beliefs or practices. If you are well-informed and able to express your views calmly and clearly, consider yourself an educator and use your knowledge to share your beliefs and clear up common misconceptions. 

Special Notes about Facebook, Twitter and other social media:

• Be cautious about posting jokes or graphics about religion or politics on Facebook, Twitter or other social media. People can and do overreact to these no matter how you meant it--for a laugh, for discussion or just to state a point--when you posted. 
• Consider commenting on your post how you did mean the post to be taken: "Just posting this for a laugh!" for example, or
  "This clearly expresses my point of view." or, "This is very informative." 
• Don't feel that you have to respond to all comments or get into a "discussion", especially if other comments are rude. However, if you can express your thoughts and beliefs clearly, this is a good opportunity to do so; keep your remarks factual and objective without insulting or name-calling.
• Ignore comments that are rude or contain name-calling or inflammatory comments. 
• Remember that when you are posting, or reading comments, you can't "read" the emotion behind the comment as you can when you're talking with someone. Don't be automatically offended by a comment that might be meant as humor, and consider marking humorous comments that you make with an "LOL" or smiley face so people are clear that you are joking. 
• If you know your post will offend close relatives and/or friends, is it worth posting? Only you can decide. 

Don’t . . . 

• . . . use inflammatory words like ‘stupid‘, ‘idiotic‘, or anything demeaning. 
• . . . discuss a controversial topic if the other person is very argumentative or inebriated. 
• . . . use absolutes (always, never) when describing your own, or the opposing, point of view. There are almost always exceptions. 
• . . . have religious or political debates in an inappropriate setting, like at a funeral.

What do you do or say when religion or politics comes up in a conversation? Do you talk calmly about it or change the subject? 

------------------------

This post is an excerpt from “What Should I Say? The Right (and Wrong!) Words and Deeds for Life’s Sticky, Tricky Uncomfortable Situations”

by Shelly Burke, RN. Coming soon!

 Download “What Should I Say” and be prepared for any of life’s sticky, tricky uncomfortable situations!

______________________________________________________

                                                                   

The mission of the “Nebraska Family Times” is to “inspire, encourage and motivate you on your Christian walk.” To receive local, state and national news from a Christian point of view, as well as devotions, Bible Study and articles about all aspects of Christian life, in your mailbox every month, subscribe for only $20 for 12 issues! Click “Subscribe” on the sidebar or send your address and payment to Nebraska Family Times, 209 27^th St. Apt. #13, Columbus, NE 68601.

I am also taking the Blogging A to Z Challenge at Home is Where the Mom Is; A Christian Mom's Guide,

where the theme is “Lifehacks for Christian Moms.”

A to Z Blogging "U is for..."

"...Unexpected Pregnancy"
From the series "Words Matter"
by Shelly Burke, RN, Author, and Publisher, Nebraska Family Times newspaper

When a Friend’s Unmarried Child is Pregnant
A parent who is faced with a unmarried child’s pregnancy is confronted with many issues and choices, and will be feeling a wide range of emotions. The following comments and suggestions are appropriate to say to both the child and her parents. 

What to Say

• “We are keeping you and your family in our prayers.” 
• “God bless you for choosing life for your baby.”
• “I’m a good listener if you ever want to talk!”
• “Your child is blessed to have your love.”
• “We will support you all whether you decide to keep the baby or put her up for adoption.”
• "A baby is never a mistake. It might come at an inconvenient time or less-than-ideal circumstances, but a baby is never a 'mistake'."
• To the parents:
• “You taught your kids well; as parents we just can’t have total control over everything they do; at some point they make their own decisions. It is not your fault this happened!" 

What Not to Say
To the parents:

• “Does she even know who the father of the baby is?”
• “How could she live with herself if she gave the baby up for adoption?”
• “How were they so dumb to get into this mess--don’t they know about birth control?”
• “Didn’t you see this coming?”
• “They just have to keep the baby/give the baby up for adoption.”

To the child:

• “How could you be so dumb?”
• “How could you do this to your family?”
• “You have ruined your life!”
• “You have to . . . “ “You cannot . . . “

What to Do

• Think before you speak when you learn about the pregnancy, especially if you are shocked.
  
• Discourage abortion if they are considering it as an option; offer other options, provide the phone number for an adoption agency; offer to make an appointment and go with them. to talk with a pastor. 
• Encourage the family to work with someone trained in dealing with this situation. 
• Use the situation as an opportunity to talk with your kids about consequences of their choices. 
• Be friendly and say “Hello!” when you see the child or family in church, at school, at work, or in the store.   
• Send a card to the parents of the child, thanking them for choosing life for the baby, reminding them that kids make their own choices, and assuring them that you will keep them in your prayers. 

Don’t . . . 

• . . . pass on any information if you’re not sure the family wants it made public. 
• . . . speculate as to circumstances of the pregnancy, who the father might be, if the child will be placed for adoption, and so on.  
• . . . plan a baby shower or give gifts unless/until you know their plans regarding adoption. 
• . . . lecture; express your feelings and beliefs in a way that is godly and non-critical.
• . . . feel obligated to attend a baby shower or give gifts if doing so is not in accordance with your beliefs and feelings about the situation.  
• . . . accept plans for an abortion without expressing your pro-life beliefs. If you are reluctant to do this, remember that the life of a baby is at stake.
• . . . react with shock regarding the details of paternity, plans for the baby, and so on. Ask the Lord to guide your words and take a deep breath (or two or three!) before saying anything. 

If a Friend is Unexpectedly Pregnant

It might take your friend some time to get used to an unexpected pregnancy! She will appreciate your friendship and support. 

What to Say

• “How do you feel about the news?” and then, “Congratulations!” or “Oh, my!” depending on how your friend reacts to the news that she is pregnant. 
• “It is OK to have mixed feelings about your pregnancy!”
• “The baby is blessed to be coming into your family.”

What Not to Say

• “Better you than me!”
  
• “What were you thinking?”
• “Don’t you know what causes babies?”
• “Do you know what can go wrong in a woman your age?”

What to Do

• Accept your friend’s feelings of confusion, joy, anger, and/or ambivalence.  
• Let your friend talk, cry, yell. Accept her feelings and emotions.
• When you sense the time is right, remind her that God has His plan, and babies are a miracle and blessing. 
• Discourage abortion; encourage adoption if the situation is such that the person feels she cannot give the baby a good home. 

Don’t . . . 

•  . . . buy gifts or offer to loan maternity clothes or baby supplies until your friend is ready. 
• . . . criticize your friend’s feelings of confusion, ambivalence, anger, or disappointment. 
• . . . share the news with anyone until she says it’s OK to do so. 
• . . . accept plans for an abortion without expressing your pro-life views; the life of a baby is at stake!

 Have you been in either of these situations? What was the best or worst thing someone said to you? What did you say to someone in these situations?

----------------------

This post is an excerpt from “What Should I Say? The Right (and Wrong!) Words and Deeds for Life’s Sticky, Tricky Uncomfortable Situations”

by Shelly Burke, RN. Coming soon!

 Download “What Should I Say” and be prepared for any of life’s sticky, tricky uncomfortable situations!

______________________________________________________

                                                                   

The mission of the “Nebraska Family Times” is to “inspire, encourage and motivate you on your Christian walk.” To receive local, state and national news from a Christian point of view, as well as devotions, Bible Study and articles about all aspects of Christian life, in your mailbox every month, subscribe for only $20 for 12 issues! Click “Subscribe” on the sidebar or send your address and payment to Nebraska Family Times, 209 27^th St. Apt. #13, Columbus, NE 68601.

I am also taking the Blogging A to Z Challenge at Home is Where the Mom Is; A Christian Mom's Guide,

where the theme is “Lifehacks for Christian Moms.”

A to Z Blogging "O is for..."

...Other Children and Your Child Not Getting Along"
From the series "Words Matter"
by Shelly Burke, RN, Author, and Editor, Nebraska Family Times newspaper

 In every young child’s life there seems to be, on occasion, a child who hits, kicks or bites; doesn’t share; screams or spits, and generally makes it difficult for your child to enjoy his company. The situation is made worse if the other child’s parents do not make their child behave in a socially acceptable manner. Here are some tactful ways to try to remedy the situation.

What to Say

• To the parent; “My child is a bit intimidated by your child’s yelling and screaming while they are playing. Could you talk with him about that before he comes over?”
• To the child (in front of the parent if possible); “We have a new rule at our house; no calling names. Anyone who does has to sit in the time-out chair. This includes moms, dads, and visitors.”
• If the situation is not improving, say to the parent, “Our children just don’t seem to be enjoying each other’s company lately. Let’s take a break from play-dates for awhile. I’m sure it’s just a stage and they’ll enjoy playing together again soon.”

What Not to Say

• “You’re just not disciplining your child like you should be. If you were, he wouldn’t be acting this way.”
• “Your kid is a brat and terrorizes other kids.”

What to Do

• If the issues causing you discomfort are differences in parenting style (how the parents discipline their child, for
  
  example), be careful not to sound judgmental. 
• Remember that what you say or do could potentially damage your relationship with the child’s parents and your child’s friendship.   
• If you feel the friendship is not healthy for your child, or your child no longer wants to spend time with the child, gently cut off play-dates. Don’t invite the child over for play-dates, and politely decline play-date invitations. If you do this several times, the friendship will probably gradually fade out. If the invitations continue, you might want to say something like, “This summer will be very busy for us; we won’t have time for play-dates.” “We’ve been so busy lately, we’ve decided to just concentrate on family things for awhile. I’ll let you know when we’re ready for play-dates again.”
• If the offending child’s home life is chaotic, contact with your family might be the only stability in the child’s life. Keep this fact in mind when you consider cutting off play-dates.

Don’t . . . 

• . . . overreact to minor skirmishes or disagreements between children. 

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This post is an excerpt from “What Should I Say? The Right (and Wrong!) Words and Deeds for Life’s Sticky, Tricky Uncomfortable Situations”

by Shelly Burke, RN. Coming soon!

 Download “What Should I Say” and be prepared for any of life’s sticky, tricky uncomfortable situations!

______________________________________________________

                                                                   

The mission of the “Nebraska Family Times” is to “inspire, encourage and motivate you on your Christian walk.” To receive local, state and national news from a Christian point of view, as well as devotions, Bible Study and articles about all aspects of Christian life, in your mailbox every month, subscribe for only $20 for 12 issues! Click “Subscribe” on the sidebar or send your address and payment to Nebraska Family Times, 209 27^th St. Apt. #13, Columbus, NE 68601.

I am also taking the Blogging A to Z Challenge at 

Home is Where the Mom Is,

where the theme is “Lifehacks for Christian Moms.”

A to Z Blogging Challenge "N is for..."

"...How to say "NO"
(In the interest of catching up, I'm reposting this post from Home is Where the Mom Is.)
by Shelly Burke, RN, Author, and Editor, Nebraska Family Times 

From "Mommy, can I have juice?" to "Where are my socks?" "Do you have just a moment to hear about our amazing new product?" "Can you teach Sunday School tomorrow?" "Will you take Dad to the doctor?" "Please bring my lunch to school--I forgot it!" "Will you be a sponsor on the field trip?" "Can you donate to our worthy cause?" "We're looking for donations for our fundraiser" "I'd love for you to join our group!" and ending your day with, "One more drink of water mommy?" and, "Honey, will you rub my back?" you probably receive dozens, if not close to a hundred, requests every day. 

It may be tempting to say "YES" to every request, but you'll quickly realize that doing so may lead to feelings of dread, being overwhelmed, and exhaustion. 

What should you consider in deciding whether to say "no"? 

• All of the details--how much time is involved, if it will cost money (and if so, how much) how many meetings or get-togethers are required, exactly what your job involves, etc. 
• How would this commitment fit in with your other commitments? If it is something that has many benefits, you might decide to fit it in. If not, you might choose to spend your time on other things.
• Would saying "YES" to the request get you any closer to your
  
  
  other goals, or take away time you could spend pursuing your other goals? 
• If it's a personal favor (like giving a loan, washing a teenager's clothes, doing an errand, trading hours with someone who forgot about another commitment), will saying "yes" truly help the person asking, or allow them to avoid responsibility and/or consequences?
• Have you enjoyed doing this sort of thing in the past?
• Would you learn a new skill, or use a skill that you have and enjoy using?
• Prayerfully consider the request, and open your heart to God's direction. He might urge you in a direction that you'd rather not go, but listen to Him anyway.
• Don't automatically say "NO", even if the request is outside of your comfort range. As Christians we are to be open to helping others, especially those who don't have anyone else to help. 
• How will you say if you say "yes"? Relieved? Excited? Full of dread? Overwhelmed?

What to say when you need time to think about the request:

• "I need to check my calendar before I make a commitment."
• "My husband and I have an agreement that we will not commit to anything before talking with each other."
• "I'll have to see if I can find a babysitter for that night." 
• "That is a big commitment and I need to pray and think about it before I make a decision. I will let you know next Tuesday." 

Principles of saying "NO":

• It's ok to say no for any reason...or for no reason. God says "NO" to many of our requests when He knows they are not right for us. If you are confident in your reasons to turn down a request, you have no reason to feel guilty about it. Although you might give a reason to close friends or family members, you don't "owe" anyone an explanation. 
• No one can "make" you feel guilty about saying "NO". If you
  
  are confident in your reasoning, you have no reason to feel guilty; it is your choice to feel guilty. 
• The person asking might wait silently after you've said no, hoping that you'll give an explanation or change your mind and say "YES." Or she might be bold enough to challenge your answer and demand to know why you said "NO." Don't be intimidated or bullied. Calmly repeat your answer as needed. 
• Don't cave into the pressure of giving an answer immediately. If someone continues to pressure you, simply say, "If I have to make a decision right now, my answer has to be "NO"."

How to say "NO":

• "Thank you for thinking of me, but I just cannot take on that responsibility right now." 
• "That just won't fit in with my schedule right now; we are making family activities a priority this year." 
• "I'm sorry, I already have plans." (Even if they are plans for a quiet day at home.)
• "I know I helped last year, but I just can't this year."
• "I can't help with the fundraiser this year, but put me down for next year"! (Only say this if you mean it; you will get called next year!)
• "That is not one of my skills or interests, but I could help by..."
• "Honey, you need to learn to do your own laundry. I will show you how!"

Have you ever regretted not saying "NO"? How do you turn down requests?

Watch for "Y is for...When to Say "YES"!" on the second to last day of the A to Z Blogging Challenge at Home is Where the Mom Is !

A to Z Blogging "M is for..."

"...Miscarriage"
From the Series "Words Matter"
by Shelly Burke, RN, Author, and Editor, Nebraska Family Times newspaper

Around 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, so chances are great someone you know has, or will, experience a miscarriage. When someone suffers a miscarriage the loss is real, even if there was no outward evidence of the baby. The parents, as well as siblings, grandparents, and other relatives, suffer the loss of hopes and dreams about a baby who now will not be born.  Here are some suggestions for comforting someone who has experienced that loss. 

What to Say

• “I’m so very sorry for your loss!”
• “How are you feeling?” (This allows the woman to talk about her physical, as well as emotional, feelings.)
• “I cannot imagine the pain and loss you must be feeling!”
• “It’s OK to be mad at God.”
• “I’ve experienced miscarriages; it was a very painful time. If I can help you by telling you about it, please let me know.”
• “We lost a baby several years ago." 
• “What a great loss! I’m praying for your peace and for God to give you comfort and peace and continued direction in your life.” 

What Not to Say

• “It wasn’t really a baby, just a bunch of cells. Don’t be so sad.”
• “It must have been deformed.”
• “It just wasn’t mean to be.” (If the other person says this, it’s OK to agree with her.)
• “At least you have your other children.” (Babies are not interchangeable!)
• “You might not have been a good parent anyway.”
  
• “You won’t miss what you never had.”
• “You can have my children!”
• “Do you want to hold my baby?”
• “You’re not missing much; kids are so much trouble.”
• “At least you didn’t get attached to the baby.”
• “I just know God will give you your miracle baby.” (No, you do not know that!)
• “It’s God’s will--accept it and move on.”
• “You can try again.”  “You‘ll get pregnant again soon.” “You’ll have a healthy baby someday.” (Many women are not able to conceive after a miscarriage, or have multiple miscarriages.) 

What to Do

• The general suggestions about what to do after a death, earlier in the chapter, are appropriate, as well as the following.
• Acknowledge the loss as you would any other death; with cards, flowers, and memorials. 
• If you have experienced a miscarriage, say something like, “I lost a baby, too, and it was very hard!” Don’t go into the details unless the other person asks; this is not about your experience, but about sympathizing with the person who has just recently experienced the loss.
• Remember that the father, grandparents and siblings are feeling the loss, too! Express your sympathies to them. CAUTION: Make sure extended family members were aware of the pregnancy before mentioning the miscarriage; the parents might not have shared the news of the pregnancy with all family members.  
• Remember that as well as the emotional loss, the mother is experiencing the physical manifestations of miscarriage; hormonal and physical changes, and possibly a surgical procedure. Offer to take a meal, clean her house, watch her kids, go shopping for groceries, and so on, so she can begin to heal physically as well as emotionally.
• Accept and encourage any rituals that the parents choose, to help them remember the baby. They might want to make footprints, and/or have a memorial service or burial.  
• Ask the parents how they are doing weeks and months later (especially around the baby‘s due date), not just immediately after the miscarriage. 
• Remember that it takes time to grieve this loss of a baby; it does not take less time to recover from the death of an unborn baby, than the death of an adult loved one. 
• Realize that a person who has had a miscarriage may cry when she sees a diaper commercial, a baby, or attends a baby shower. 
• Send a card or e-mail; consider including a verse like Psalm 18:30, Pro. 3:5-6, or Matt. 14:19. 

Don’t . . . 

• . . . ask for the baby furniture or any supplies purchased for the baby who died.
• . . . clean out the nursery for them; doing that is part of the healing process. It is OK to help if you’re asked. 

-----------------------------------------

This post is an excerpt from “What Should I Say? The Right (and Wrong!) Words and Deeds for Life’s Sticky, Tricky Uncomfortable Situations”

by Shelly Burke, RN. Coming soon!

 Download “What Should I Say” and be prepared for any of life’s sticky, tricky uncomfortable situations!

______________________________________________________

                                                                   

The mission of the “Nebraska Family Times” is to “inspire, encourage and motivate you on your Christian walk.” To receive local, state and national news from a Christian point of view, as well as devotions, Bible Study and articles about all aspects of Christian life, in your mailbox every month, subscribe for only $20 for 12 issues! Click “Subscribe” on the sidebar or send your address and payment to Nebraska Family Times, 209 27^th St. Apt. #13, Columbus, NE 68601.

I am also taking the Blogging A to Z Challenge at 

Home is Where the Mom Is ,

where the theme is “Lifehacks for Christian Moms.”