A to Z Blogging "O is for..."

...Other Children and Your Child Not Getting Along"
From the series "Words Matter"
by Shelly Burke, RN, Author, and Editor, Nebraska Family Times newspaper

 In every young child’s life there seems to be, on occasion, a child who hits, kicks or bites; doesn’t share; screams or spits, and generally makes it difficult for your child to enjoy his company. The situation is made worse if the other child’s parents do not make their child behave in a socially acceptable manner. Here are some tactful ways to try to remedy the situation.

What to Say

• To the parent; “My child is a bit intimidated by your child’s yelling and screaming while they are playing. Could you talk with him about that before he comes over?”
• To the child (in front of the parent if possible); “We have a new rule at our house; no calling names. Anyone who does has to sit in the time-out chair. This includes moms, dads, and visitors.”
• If the situation is not improving, say to the parent, “Our children just don’t seem to be enjoying each other’s company lately. Let’s take a break from play-dates for awhile. I’m sure it’s just a stage and they’ll enjoy playing together again soon.”

What Not to Say

• “You’re just not disciplining your child like you should be. If you were, he wouldn’t be acting this way.”
• “Your kid is a brat and terrorizes other kids.”

What to Do

• If the issues causing you discomfort are differences in parenting style (how the parents discipline their child, for
  
  example), be careful not to sound judgmental. 
• Remember that what you say or do could potentially damage your relationship with the child’s parents and your child’s friendship.   
• If you feel the friendship is not healthy for your child, or your child no longer wants to spend time with the child, gently cut off play-dates. Don’t invite the child over for play-dates, and politely decline play-date invitations. If you do this several times, the friendship will probably gradually fade out. If the invitations continue, you might want to say something like, “This summer will be very busy for us; we won’t have time for play-dates.” “We’ve been so busy lately, we’ve decided to just concentrate on family things for awhile. I’ll let you know when we’re ready for play-dates again.”
• If the offending child’s home life is chaotic, contact with your family might be the only stability in the child’s life. Keep this fact in mind when you consider cutting off play-dates.

Don’t . . . 

• . . . overreact to minor skirmishes or disagreements between children. 

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This post is an excerpt from “What Should I Say? The Right (and Wrong!) Words and Deeds for Life’s Sticky, Tricky Uncomfortable Situations”

by Shelly Burke, RN. Coming soon!

 Download “What Should I Say” and be prepared for any of life’s sticky, tricky uncomfortable situations!

______________________________________________________

                                                                   

The mission of the “Nebraska Family Times” is to “inspire, encourage and motivate you on your Christian walk.” To receive local, state and national news from a Christian point of view, as well as devotions, Bible Study and articles about all aspects of Christian life, in your mailbox every month, subscribe for only $20 for 12 issues! Click “Subscribe” on the sidebar or send your address and payment to Nebraska Family Times, 209 27^th St. Apt. #13, Columbus, NE 68601.

I am also taking the Blogging A to Z Challenge at 

Home is Where the Mom Is,

where the theme is “Lifehacks for Christian Moms.”

A to Z Blogging Challenge "N is for..."

"...How to say "NO"
(In the interest of catching up, I'm reposting this post from Home is Where the Mom Is.)
by Shelly Burke, RN, Author, and Editor, Nebraska Family Times 

From "Mommy, can I have juice?" to "Where are my socks?" "Do you have just a moment to hear about our amazing new product?" "Can you teach Sunday School tomorrow?" "Will you take Dad to the doctor?" "Please bring my lunch to school--I forgot it!" "Will you be a sponsor on the field trip?" "Can you donate to our worthy cause?" "We're looking for donations for our fundraiser" "I'd love for you to join our group!" and ending your day with, "One more drink of water mommy?" and, "Honey, will you rub my back?" you probably receive dozens, if not close to a hundred, requests every day. 

It may be tempting to say "YES" to every request, but you'll quickly realize that doing so may lead to feelings of dread, being overwhelmed, and exhaustion. 

What should you consider in deciding whether to say "no"? 

• All of the details--how much time is involved, if it will cost money (and if so, how much) how many meetings or get-togethers are required, exactly what your job involves, etc. 
• How would this commitment fit in with your other commitments? If it is something that has many benefits, you might decide to fit it in. If not, you might choose to spend your time on other things.
• Would saying "YES" to the request get you any closer to your
  
  
  other goals, or take away time you could spend pursuing your other goals? 
• If it's a personal favor (like giving a loan, washing a teenager's clothes, doing an errand, trading hours with someone who forgot about another commitment), will saying "yes" truly help the person asking, or allow them to avoid responsibility and/or consequences?
• Have you enjoyed doing this sort of thing in the past?
• Would you learn a new skill, or use a skill that you have and enjoy using?
• Prayerfully consider the request, and open your heart to God's direction. He might urge you in a direction that you'd rather not go, but listen to Him anyway.
• Don't automatically say "NO", even if the request is outside of your comfort range. As Christians we are to be open to helping others, especially those who don't have anyone else to help. 
• How will you say if you say "yes"? Relieved? Excited? Full of dread? Overwhelmed?

What to say when you need time to think about the request:

• "I need to check my calendar before I make a commitment."
• "My husband and I have an agreement that we will not commit to anything before talking with each other."
• "I'll have to see if I can find a babysitter for that night." 
• "That is a big commitment and I need to pray and think about it before I make a decision. I will let you know next Tuesday." 

Principles of saying "NO":

• It's ok to say no for any reason...or for no reason. God says "NO" to many of our requests when He knows they are not right for us. If you are confident in your reasons to turn down a request, you have no reason to feel guilty about it. Although you might give a reason to close friends or family members, you don't "owe" anyone an explanation. 
• No one can "make" you feel guilty about saying "NO". If you
  
  are confident in your reasoning, you have no reason to feel guilty; it is your choice to feel guilty. 
• The person asking might wait silently after you've said no, hoping that you'll give an explanation or change your mind and say "YES." Or she might be bold enough to challenge your answer and demand to know why you said "NO." Don't be intimidated or bullied. Calmly repeat your answer as needed. 
• Don't cave into the pressure of giving an answer immediately. If someone continues to pressure you, simply say, "If I have to make a decision right now, my answer has to be "NO"."

How to say "NO":

• "Thank you for thinking of me, but I just cannot take on that responsibility right now." 
• "That just won't fit in with my schedule right now; we are making family activities a priority this year." 
• "I'm sorry, I already have plans." (Even if they are plans for a quiet day at home.)
• "I know I helped last year, but I just can't this year."
• "I can't help with the fundraiser this year, but put me down for next year"! (Only say this if you mean it; you will get called next year!)
• "That is not one of my skills or interests, but I could help by..."
• "Honey, you need to learn to do your own laundry. I will show you how!"

Have you ever regretted not saying "NO"? How do you turn down requests?

Watch for "Y is for...When to Say "YES"!" on the second to last day of the A to Z Blogging Challenge at Home is Where the Mom Is !

A to Z Blogging "M is for..."

"...Miscarriage"
From the Series "Words Matter"
by Shelly Burke, RN, Author, and Editor, Nebraska Family Times newspaper

Around 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, so chances are great someone you know has, or will, experience a miscarriage. When someone suffers a miscarriage the loss is real, even if there was no outward evidence of the baby. The parents, as well as siblings, grandparents, and other relatives, suffer the loss of hopes and dreams about a baby who now will not be born.  Here are some suggestions for comforting someone who has experienced that loss. 

What to Say

• “I’m so very sorry for your loss!”
• “How are you feeling?” (This allows the woman to talk about her physical, as well as emotional, feelings.)
• “I cannot imagine the pain and loss you must be feeling!”
• “It’s OK to be mad at God.”
• “I’ve experienced miscarriages; it was a very painful time. If I can help you by telling you about it, please let me know.”
• “We lost a baby several years ago." 
• “What a great loss! I’m praying for your peace and for God to give you comfort and peace and continued direction in your life.” 

What Not to Say

• “It wasn’t really a baby, just a bunch of cells. Don’t be so sad.”
• “It must have been deformed.”
• “It just wasn’t mean to be.” (If the other person says this, it’s OK to agree with her.)
• “At least you have your other children.” (Babies are not interchangeable!)
• “You might not have been a good parent anyway.”
  
• “You won’t miss what you never had.”
• “You can have my children!”
• “Do you want to hold my baby?”
• “You’re not missing much; kids are so much trouble.”
• “At least you didn’t get attached to the baby.”
• “I just know God will give you your miracle baby.” (No, you do not know that!)
• “It’s God’s will--accept it and move on.”
• “You can try again.”  “You‘ll get pregnant again soon.” “You’ll have a healthy baby someday.” (Many women are not able to conceive after a miscarriage, or have multiple miscarriages.) 

What to Do

• The general suggestions about what to do after a death, earlier in the chapter, are appropriate, as well as the following.
• Acknowledge the loss as you would any other death; with cards, flowers, and memorials. 
• If you have experienced a miscarriage, say something like, “I lost a baby, too, and it was very hard!” Don’t go into the details unless the other person asks; this is not about your experience, but about sympathizing with the person who has just recently experienced the loss.
• Remember that the father, grandparents and siblings are feeling the loss, too! Express your sympathies to them. CAUTION: Make sure extended family members were aware of the pregnancy before mentioning the miscarriage; the parents might not have shared the news of the pregnancy with all family members.  
• Remember that as well as the emotional loss, the mother is experiencing the physical manifestations of miscarriage; hormonal and physical changes, and possibly a surgical procedure. Offer to take a meal, clean her house, watch her kids, go shopping for groceries, and so on, so she can begin to heal physically as well as emotionally.
• Accept and encourage any rituals that the parents choose, to help them remember the baby. They might want to make footprints, and/or have a memorial service or burial.  
• Ask the parents how they are doing weeks and months later (especially around the baby‘s due date), not just immediately after the miscarriage. 
• Remember that it takes time to grieve this loss of a baby; it does not take less time to recover from the death of an unborn baby, than the death of an adult loved one. 
• Realize that a person who has had a miscarriage may cry when she sees a diaper commercial, a baby, or attends a baby shower. 
• Send a card or e-mail; consider including a verse like Psalm 18:30, Pro. 3:5-6, or Matt. 14:19. 

Don’t . . . 

• . . . ask for the baby furniture or any supplies purchased for the baby who died.
• . . . clean out the nursery for them; doing that is part of the healing process. It is OK to help if you’re asked. 

-----------------------------------------

This post is an excerpt from “What Should I Say? The Right (and Wrong!) Words and Deeds for Life’s Sticky, Tricky Uncomfortable Situations”

by Shelly Burke, RN. Coming soon!

 Download “What Should I Say” and be prepared for any of life’s sticky, tricky uncomfortable situations!

______________________________________________________

                                                                   

The mission of the “Nebraska Family Times” is to “inspire, encourage and motivate you on your Christian walk.” To receive local, state and national news from a Christian point of view, as well as devotions, Bible Study and articles about all aspects of Christian life, in your mailbox every month, subscribe for only $20 for 12 issues! Click “Subscribe” on the sidebar or send your address and payment to Nebraska Family Times, 209 27^th St. Apt. #13, Columbus, NE 68601.

I am also taking the Blogging A to Z Challenge at 

Home is Where the Mom Is ,

where the theme is “Lifehacks for Christian Moms.”