A to Z Blogging "S is for..."

"...Stopping Spouse Bashing"
From the series "Words Matter"
by Shelly Burke, RN, Author, and Publisher of the Nebraska Family Times newspaper

When you’re with friends or co-workers or a group of people, the conversation often turns to spouses and their shortcomings, and then further deteriorates into a session of spouse bashing. While you may enjoy having the momentary attention of having the ‘worst spouse,’ criticizing your spouse can erode your relationship with him or her. 

Here are some responses that will turn the conversation in a more positive direction.

What to Say 

• “I hate to criticize; after all, I’m certainly not perfect either!”
• “I am so blessed; my husband took the kids to the park so I
  
  could have a nap yesterday.”
• “On our last anniversary, my husband and I promised to never criticize or complain about each other to anyone else, but instead to talk with each other if there are problems.” 
• “My wife made me a wonderful supper last night, and afterwards, rubbed my back! I love her so much.” 
• “I made a resolution to not talk to anyone but my spouse about any complaints about him; do you want to join me on that resolution?”

What Not to Say

• “Wow, your husband sounds like a real loser!”
• “Let me tell you how much worse my wife is!”
• “I wouldn’t put up with that behavior--tell her to shape up or ship out.” 

What to Do

• Talk over problems with your spouse, not someone outside of your marriage. 
• If you need to talk with someone about small irritations or
  
  problems, do so to a close friend who shares your beliefs and will encourage you to improve your marriage, not add to the spouse bashing. 
• After you’ve talked with your friend, make an effort to talk about the positive attributes of your spouse. 
• When you are in a group and spouse-bashing begins, pray for the right words to say, or the strength to walk away from the conversation. 
• Consider making a commitment with your spouse to only say flattering and positive things about each other in public. 
• Say flattering and positive things about your spouse, whether or not he or she is within earshot. 
• Pray for your spouse; pray to see his or her strong points, not weaknesses. 
• Change the subject; to the weather, sports, or anything else!
• Walk away if the spouse-bashing continues. 

Don’t . . . 

• . . . join in by criticizing your spouse, or someone else’s, no matter how tempting it is to do so. 
• ...make passive-aggressive posts on Facebook; talk with your spouse instead. 

"Love is patient...love is kind...

it is not arrogant or rude...

it does not rejoice at wrongdoing...

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (excerpts)

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The mission of the “Nebraska Family Times” is to “inspire, encourage and motivate you on your Christian walk.” To receive local, state and national news from a Christian point of view, as well as devotions, Bible Study and articles about all aspects of Christian life, in your mailbox every month, subscribe for only $20 for 12 issues! Click “Subscribe” on the sidebar or send your address and payment to Nebraska Family Times, 209 27^th St. Apt. #13, Columbus, NE 68601.

I am also taking the Blogging A to Z Challenge at 

Home is Where the Mom Is; A Christian Mom's Guide,

where the theme is “Lifehacks for Christian Moms.”

A to Z Blogging "R is for..."

"...Racist, Sexist or Bigoted Remarks or Jokes"
from the series "Words Matter"
by Shelly Burke, RN, Author, and Editor, Nebraska Family Times newspaper

Stereotypical, racist, bigoted, or sexist comments about any group of people are never OK, but unfortunately are a common occurrence. Some people are offended by jokes about blonds or people of a certain age or ethnic or religious group, and some are not. Before you tell a joke targeting a racial, ethnic, social, or religious group of people, ask yourself if you would think it was funny if you belonged to that group. If you would be offended, or if you sense someone in the group would be offended, don’t tell the joke. 

Use the following remarks if unacceptable comments are made.

What to Say

• “That is a very sexist comment!”
• “Remarks like that are not appropriate.” 
• “That generalization is untrue for most of the group of people you are talking about.” 
• After a stereotypical comment; “Do you have facts to back that up?” or, “Actually statistics show that . . . “
• “I really don’t like jokes like that. Can we please talk about
  
  something else?” 

What Not to Say

• “ . . . um, er, you know, that’s not the nicest thing to say and maybe we shouldn’t talk about people that way, I think . . . “

What to Do

• Say a quick prayer asking God to give you the right words to diffuse the situation. 
• Say your comments in a calm, firm voice, with a serious expression on your face, and then change the subject to something neutral, like the weather or another generic topic.
• If this situation occurs in your workplace or place of worship, report it to a supervisor, the Human Resources representative, a pastor or elder or other appropriate person. 

Don’t . . . 

• . . . apologize for your beliefs about not making disparaging remarks. 
• ..."let it go." 

--------------------------------

This post is an excerpt from “What Should I Say? The Right (and Wrong!) Words and Deeds for Life’s Sticky, Tricky Uncomfortable Situations”

by Shelly Burke, RN. Coming soon!

 Download “What Should I Say” and be prepared for any of life’s sticky, tricky uncomfortable situations!

______________________________________________________

                                                                   

The mission of the “Nebraska Family Times” is to “inspire, encourage and motivate you on your Christian walk.” To receive local, state and national news from a Christian point of view, as well as devotions, Bible Study and articles about all aspects of Christian life, in your mailbox every month, subscribe for only $20 for 12 issues! Click “Subscribe” on the sidebar or send your address and payment to Nebraska Family Times, 209 27^th St. Apt. #13, Columbus, NE 68601.

I am also taking the Blogging A to Z Challenge at Home is Where the Mom Is; A Christian Mom's Guide,

where the theme is “Lifehacks for Christian Moms.”

A to Z Blogging "Q is for..."

"...The Queen (or King!) of Drama"
From the series "Words Matter"
By Shelly Burke, RN, Author, and Publisher, Nebraska Family Times

(Author's note to my friends: God has blessed me with wonderful friends! I don't have any drama queens or kings in my life, so if you are reading this, it's not written *to* you. We all come in contact with drama queens or kings at some point in our lives (and speaking for myself I can BE a drama queen once in a while...) and I want to share some ways of interacting with them calmly and hopefully helping them with the drama.) 

We ALL have Drama Queen and King moments in our lives, or at least I know I do! These suggestions are for the person for whom every out-of-the-ordinary (and sometimes even the ordinary) occurrence is a crisis. A minor health complaint requires visits to multiple doctors and perhaps specialists. Unhappiness in a job or a perceived snub by someone necessitates lamenting about it all day and multiple vague Facebook updates or tweets. Even world events and national or global issues (the weather, homelessness) can cause this person distress well out of proportion with reality. Nothing can be ‘let go‘; everything is  personal in some way and must be discussed in great detail, often complete with tears. Any and every suggestion you, or anyone else gives, *will not work* to solve or even decrease the drama in the Drama Queen or King's life. 

It helps somewhat to understand what the motivation of a Drama Queen or King might be. Sometimes a person is lonely or doesn't feel that he or she is getting the attention he or she "needs." Some people have had drama of one sort or another present in their life, all their life and it is, to them, a normal and necessary part of life. Drama Kings and Queens can be exhausting to keep up with! If this person is a good friend your goal might be to help the person see how overly-dramatic he or she is being, but in a way that does not hurt feelings or irreparably damage your relationship. If the person is a distant acquaintance you might have to distance yourself from the drama. Always remember to show kindness; you are a child of God and we should always strive to show His love. 


What to Say 

• “Wow, that was quite a performance! Are you ready to talk about it calmly, now?”
• "Let's pray about it, that you will feel God's leading you to a solution." 
• “Since I don’t have millions of dollars to donate, and can’t go over personally to save them, I’m going to leave the plight of the horny toads in South Africa in God’s hands.” 
• “I can tell this is all very upsetting to you . . . Let’s get together to talk about it when I have a few minutes to talk about it.” (Sometimes just talking about something relieves some of the
  
  stress that leads to drama king or queen performances.)
• “What can we do about it?” (depending on the answer, encourage the person to take action or realize that he cannot do anything about this issue).
• If someone has been unwilling to take any action about the situation, kindly say, "When you are ready to do something about this, let me know and I will do what I can to help." 
• On a Facebook post: "You are in my thoughts and prayers." 

What Not to Say

• “Tell me more!” (if you say it seriously).
• “Don’t be ridiculous.” 
• “What is wrong with you?”
• “Why should I care?” (Be kind! The person may tell you, in great detail, why you should care!) 
• On a Facebook post: "You are such a drama queen!" or anything sarcastic or mean. Be kind! 

What to Do

• Pray for God’s guidance to deal with the situation in a way that shows His love. 
• Explain your point of view about the issue, objectively. 
• Point out the facts about the issue objectively. Perhaps the person will realize that it’s not the crisis he or she is making it out to be.
• Try to redirect the conversation to an area that is less emotional, like work, family, or the weather.   
• Distance yourself from the person if he/she is taking too much of your time and energy. This is not an easy thing to do, but may be the best solution. 
• See the positive aspects of the person beyond his actions. 

Don’t . . . 

• . . . react to the performance; calmly say, “We’ve already discussed that,” and then change the subject.
• . . . get caught up in a discussion if the person is clearly
  
  unwilling to consider another point of view or try anything to diminish the drama. Sometimes a discussion will only prolong the drama or allow the person to argue his or her position further.
• ...comment on a Facebook post at all if in the past the person has contradicted or reacted negatively to what you've tried to suggest. 
• ...get into a long "conversation" on Facebook if the Drama King or Queen has been unwilling to accept any potential solutions in the past. 

Is there a Drama Queen or King in Your Life? How do you cope?

---------------------------------------------------------

This post is an excerpt from “What Should I Say? The Right (and Wrong!) Words and Deeds for Life’s Sticky, Tricky Uncomfortable Situations”

by Shelly Burke, RN. Coming soon!

 Download “What Should I Say” and be prepared for any of life’s sticky, tricky uncomfortable situations!

______________________________________________________

                                                                   

The mission of the “Nebraska Family Times” is to “inspire, encourage and motivate you on your Christian walk.” To receive local, state and national news from a Christian point of view, as well as devotions, Bible Study and articles about all aspects of Christian life, in your mailbox every month, subscribe for only $20 for 12 issues! Click “Subscribe” on the sidebar or send your address and payment to Nebraska Family Times, 209 27^th St. Apt. #13, Columbus, NE 68601.

I am also taking the Blogging A to Z Challenge at 

Home is Where the Mom Is; A Christian Mom's Guide,

where the theme is “Lifehacks for Christian Moms.”

A to Z Blogging "P is for..."

"...Politics and Religion" 
From the series "Words Matter"
by Shelly Burke, RN, Author, and Publisher, Nebraska Family Times newspaper

People’s core values and morals are usually based at least partly on religious and/or political beliefs. Almost everyone has passionate feelings about some aspects of religion and/or politics, and since there are (at least) two sides to every issue, there are also many heated discussions about these issues. 

Here are several situations in which you might be, and possible replies:

What to Say

To start a discussion:

• “What did you think of the election?” 
• “What are your thoughts on _____________?”  
• “I’d like to hear your point of view; will you hear my thoughts too?”

You can disagree with actions of a person or group by saying,  

• “I do not agree with the decision to . . . “
• “I think they should have handled it differently . . . “

At an occasion or in a setting where a serious discussion is inappropriate--a funeral, for example--or when you can tell that continuing the conversation will lead to an argument, you might say:

• “I think we’re on the opposite side of that issue and this isn’t really an appropriate place to discuss it, so let’s talk about something else.”  
• With a smile, say, “You’re sitting at the table with three people who happen to take the opposite point of view! Let’s talk about something else.”

If the situation is escalating, diffuse it; 

• “I can see that we have very different thoughts about that, and
  
  
  
  that’s what’s great about America--we can all have our own point of view. How about this nice weather we‘re having?”
• “I don’t think any of us know all the details about that issue . . . let’s just talk about something else. What did you think about the championship game last week?” 

At some time, you will probably be in a situation where you want to talk about your religious beliefs or political views. Remember that the way you present your beliefs will influence how the other person receives them--if you are pushy, strident, critical of his or her beliefs, or confrontational in expressing your own beliefs, the person you are trying to convince might not even hear your message, let alone consider your point of view. Keep your voice calm and expression friendly. You might say;    

• “In our church, we believe _________; in contrast, your church believes __________.” 
• “Our religion teaches __________; how does that compare to what your religion teaches?” 
• “I think the neatest part about what I believe is . . . “
• “Here’s why I’ve taken my view of this issue . . . “
• “My political party is in favor of ________, while yours is against it.” 

What Not to Say

• “I’m right; you’re wrong.”
• “Your religion is really weird.”
• “Your political party is always for the wrong thing.” 
• “If you believe what you do, you’re stupid.”

What to Do

• If you do decide to get into a conversation about religion or politics, make sure you truly want to talk about the issue, not just argue about it, and are able to clearly state and explain your position, as well as calmly listen to another point of view. 
• Always remain calm when presenting your beliefs. If a particular issue comes up frequently, consider writing out and practicing the important points so you can present them clearly
  
  and calmly. 
• Calmly listen to the other person’s point of view, without interrupting. 
• If the situation is escalating, diffuse it by making one of the comments listed previously, or walking away. If you become angry, you will not convince anyone of your point of view, and might give the person a bad impression of the beliefs that are most important to you. 
• Many people know very little about politics or particular religious beliefs or practices. If you are well-informed and able to express your views calmly and clearly, consider yourself an educator and use your knowledge to share your beliefs and clear up common misconceptions. 

Special Notes about Facebook, Twitter and other social media:

• Be cautious about posting jokes or graphics about religion or politics on Facebook, Twitter or other social media. People can and do overreact to these no matter how you meant it--for a laugh, for discussion or just to state a point--when you posted. 
• Consider commenting on your post how you did mean the post to be taken: "Just posting this for a laugh!" for example, or
  "This clearly expresses my point of view." or, "This is very informative." 
• Don't feel that you have to respond to all comments or get into a "discussion", especially if other comments are rude. However, if you can express your thoughts and beliefs clearly, this is a good opportunity to do so; keep your remarks factual and objective without insulting or name-calling.
• Ignore comments that are rude or contain name-calling or inflammatory comments. 
• Remember that when you are posting, or reading comments, you can't "read" the emotion behind the comment as you can when you're talking with someone. Don't be automatically offended by a comment that might be meant as humor, and consider marking humorous comments that you make with an "LOL" or smiley face so people are clear that you are joking. 
• If you know your post will offend close relatives and/or friends, is it worth posting? Only you can decide. 

Don’t . . . 

• . . . use inflammatory words like ‘stupid‘, ‘idiotic‘, or anything demeaning. 
• . . . discuss a controversial topic if the other person is very argumentative or inebriated. 
• . . . use absolutes (always, never) when describing your own, or the opposing, point of view. There are almost always exceptions. 
• . . . have religious or political debates in an inappropriate setting, like at a funeral.

What do you do or say when religion or politics comes up in a conversation? Do you talk calmly about it or change the subject? 

------------------------

This post is an excerpt from “What Should I Say? The Right (and Wrong!) Words and Deeds for Life’s Sticky, Tricky Uncomfortable Situations”

by Shelly Burke, RN. Coming soon!

 Download “What Should I Say” and be prepared for any of life’s sticky, tricky uncomfortable situations!

______________________________________________________

                                                                   

The mission of the “Nebraska Family Times” is to “inspire, encourage and motivate you on your Christian walk.” To receive local, state and national news from a Christian point of view, as well as devotions, Bible Study and articles about all aspects of Christian life, in your mailbox every month, subscribe for only $20 for 12 issues! Click “Subscribe” on the sidebar or send your address and payment to Nebraska Family Times, 209 27^th St. Apt. #13, Columbus, NE 68601.

I am also taking the Blogging A to Z Challenge at Home is Where the Mom Is; A Christian Mom's Guide,

where the theme is “Lifehacks for Christian Moms.”

A to Z Blogging "U is for..."

"...Unexpected Pregnancy"
From the series "Words Matter"
by Shelly Burke, RN, Author, and Publisher, Nebraska Family Times newspaper

When a Friend’s Unmarried Child is Pregnant
A parent who is faced with a unmarried child’s pregnancy is confronted with many issues and choices, and will be feeling a wide range of emotions. The following comments and suggestions are appropriate to say to both the child and her parents. 

What to Say

• “We are keeping you and your family in our prayers.” 
• “God bless you for choosing life for your baby.”
• “I’m a good listener if you ever want to talk!”
• “Your child is blessed to have your love.”
• “We will support you all whether you decide to keep the baby or put her up for adoption.”
• "A baby is never a mistake. It might come at an inconvenient time or less-than-ideal circumstances, but a baby is never a 'mistake'."
• To the parents:
• “You taught your kids well; as parents we just can’t have total control over everything they do; at some point they make their own decisions. It is not your fault this happened!" 

What Not to Say
To the parents:

• “Does she even know who the father of the baby is?”
• “How could she live with herself if she gave the baby up for adoption?”
• “How were they so dumb to get into this mess--don’t they know about birth control?”
• “Didn’t you see this coming?”
• “They just have to keep the baby/give the baby up for adoption.”

To the child:

• “How could you be so dumb?”
• “How could you do this to your family?”
• “You have ruined your life!”
• “You have to . . . “ “You cannot . . . “

What to Do

• Think before you speak when you learn about the pregnancy, especially if you are shocked.
  
• Discourage abortion if they are considering it as an option; offer other options, provide the phone number for an adoption agency; offer to make an appointment and go with them. to talk with a pastor. 
• Encourage the family to work with someone trained in dealing with this situation. 
• Use the situation as an opportunity to talk with your kids about consequences of their choices. 
• Be friendly and say “Hello!” when you see the child or family in church, at school, at work, or in the store.   
• Send a card to the parents of the child, thanking them for choosing life for the baby, reminding them that kids make their own choices, and assuring them that you will keep them in your prayers. 

Don’t . . . 

• . . . pass on any information if you’re not sure the family wants it made public. 
• . . . speculate as to circumstances of the pregnancy, who the father might be, if the child will be placed for adoption, and so on.  
• . . . plan a baby shower or give gifts unless/until you know their plans regarding adoption. 
• . . . lecture; express your feelings and beliefs in a way that is godly and non-critical.
• . . . feel obligated to attend a baby shower or give gifts if doing so is not in accordance with your beliefs and feelings about the situation.  
• . . . accept plans for an abortion without expressing your pro-life beliefs. If you are reluctant to do this, remember that the life of a baby is at stake.
• . . . react with shock regarding the details of paternity, plans for the baby, and so on. Ask the Lord to guide your words and take a deep breath (or two or three!) before saying anything. 

If a Friend is Unexpectedly Pregnant

It might take your friend some time to get used to an unexpected pregnancy! She will appreciate your friendship and support. 

What to Say

• “How do you feel about the news?” and then, “Congratulations!” or “Oh, my!” depending on how your friend reacts to the news that she is pregnant. 
• “It is OK to have mixed feelings about your pregnancy!”
• “The baby is blessed to be coming into your family.”

What Not to Say

• “Better you than me!”
  
• “What were you thinking?”
• “Don’t you know what causes babies?”
• “Do you know what can go wrong in a woman your age?”

What to Do

• Accept your friend’s feelings of confusion, joy, anger, and/or ambivalence.  
• Let your friend talk, cry, yell. Accept her feelings and emotions.
• When you sense the time is right, remind her that God has His plan, and babies are a miracle and blessing. 
• Discourage abortion; encourage adoption if the situation is such that the person feels she cannot give the baby a good home. 

Don’t . . . 

•  . . . buy gifts or offer to loan maternity clothes or baby supplies until your friend is ready. 
• . . . criticize your friend’s feelings of confusion, ambivalence, anger, or disappointment. 
• . . . share the news with anyone until she says it’s OK to do so. 
• . . . accept plans for an abortion without expressing your pro-life views; the life of a baby is at stake!

 Have you been in either of these situations? What was the best or worst thing someone said to you? What did you say to someone in these situations?

----------------------

This post is an excerpt from “What Should I Say? The Right (and Wrong!) Words and Deeds for Life’s Sticky, Tricky Uncomfortable Situations”

by Shelly Burke, RN. Coming soon!

 Download “What Should I Say” and be prepared for any of life’s sticky, tricky uncomfortable situations!

______________________________________________________

                                                                   

The mission of the “Nebraska Family Times” is to “inspire, encourage and motivate you on your Christian walk.” To receive local, state and national news from a Christian point of view, as well as devotions, Bible Study and articles about all aspects of Christian life, in your mailbox every month, subscribe for only $20 for 12 issues! Click “Subscribe” on the sidebar or send your address and payment to Nebraska Family Times, 209 27^th St. Apt. #13, Columbus, NE 68601.

I am also taking the Blogging A to Z Challenge at Home is Where the Mom Is; A Christian Mom's Guide,

where the theme is “Lifehacks for Christian Moms.”

A to Z Blogging Challenge "L is for..."

"...Limiting or Cutting Contact with Family Members"
From the series "Words Matter"
by Shelly Burke, RN, Author, and Editor, Nebraska Family Times newspaper

The decision to limit contact or cut all ties with a family member or members is a difficult one and should not be made in haste or without a lot of thought and prayer. Situations in which you may choose to cut off contact temporarily or permanently may include abuse (towards yourself or someone else), violence, drug or alcohol abuse, damaging manipulative behavior, living an immoral lifestyle, and/or criminal behavior.  

If you or other family members are in danger, or discover something extremely  troubling about the person (that he or she has sexually abused someone, for example), you’ll probably leave that person’s presence immediately. Whether you see the person again depends on the specifics of the situation and if the person is remorseful and makes amends. 

If your seeing the person again depends on specific things he or she does or does not do, make that clear to the person face to face, over the phone, or by mail or e-mail, depending on the specifics of situation. Your priority is keeping yourself and your family safe. Do not put yourself in danger. 

What to Say

• “I will not be around you if you are using illegal drugs.”
• “When you were so angry last week, I was afraid you were going to physically hurt someone. You will not be invited to our home again until and unless you get your temper under control. I think you need professional help and hope you get it." 
• Call me when you are able to be with us without getting so
  angry.” 
• “Hitting your spouse is wrong, and you are not welcome in our home until you get professional help. You and your wife are in
  
  our prayers.”
• “Your actions with that child are absolutely unacceptable. It is not safe for you to be around children, and we will not be around you unless and until you accept you have a problem and are able to control it.”
• “Every time we’re together dad gets angry about something, overreacts, calls names, and ruins the occasion. I’m not going to let him set such a negative example for our children; we want them to remember holidays as fun events, not stressful ones. We will not be spending any holidays with him until and unless he changes his behavior.” 
• When talking with the person exhibiting the behaviors, set firm limits; “In the past, your behavior with family members has been inappropriate and rude. It doesn’t matter why you continue to act that way even after we’ve talked about it and you’ve promised to not act that way. I want to have a relationship with you, but cannot and will not do that unless and until you treat us with respect. That means no yelling, name calling, or critical remarks. If you continue to treat us inappropriately, we will not be able to be in the same place at the same time. You will not intimidate or hurt me or my family any more.” 

What Not to Say

• “Your behavior is horrible and we can’t stand to be around you.” (Instead of saying this, point out specific behaviors that are unacceptable to you.)

What to Do

• Pray for God’s guidance as to what to do to protect yourself and your family.
• Consider asking another family member or friend to be present while you talk to the person about his or her negative behaviors.
• Be calm and objective when you talk with the person about his behavior.
• Consider attending at least part of a family event, even if you suspect you’ll have to leave early due to the behavior of another person. If the situation takes a turn for the worse, it’s OK to leave. Sometimes it takes a dramatic event--like part of the family leaving right in the middle of dinner--for the person causing the problem, and the rest of the family, to realize the damage that person is causing. The statement you make by leaving might give the rest of the family the courage to take a stand of their own, or pressure the trouble-maker to act in an acceptable manner.    

Don’t . . . 

• . . . continue relationships that are harmful or dangerous to yourself or your family. 

Explaining Your Actions to Other Family Members

It’s probably not necessary to tell distant, rarely-seen relatives, every detail of why you‘ve decided to limit contact with a family

member or not attend an event. However, if the person you are avoiding could be a danger to others, you have an obligation to share relevant details so others can protect themselves and their families. If family get-togethers have been contentious for years, others will probably understand (even if they do not like the fact that you are pulling away), without your outlining the details, your decision not to attend an event or get together.  

If the conflict was not common knowledge, you have to decide how many and which of the details to share. Before you do so, consider your motives--is it really necessary to share every detail, or are you sharing unnecessary details for revenge or to ‘prove’ you were ‘right’ about something? 

The following examples will give you ideas for dealing with this situation. 

What to Say

• To an elderly aunt whom you rarely see, when she asks why you didn’t attend the reunion the previous summer; “It just didn’t work out for us last year. But we hope to see you very soon!”
• A cousin with whom you’re close; “My sister and I have a difficult relationship, and it’s best if we’re not together at family gatherings. Her behaviors towards my family hurt them deeply, and I’m not going to ask them to put themselves through that. We’re sorry to miss the get-together but have to this year.”
• To your mother; “It’s just too hard to be around my brother when he constantly reminds me of mistakes I made years ago. I’ve asked him over and over not to bring them up, but he continues to. I’m not going to come to the wedding this summer because I’m not going to put myself through that again.”
• “The last three holiday dinners have ended in tears. Our family is going to spend it alone this year; we’re not inviting anyone.” 
• To your brother, whose wife disrupts holiday gatherings; “I’m sorry to have to say this, but your wife’s behavior at family events is just too disruptive. She makes fun of our children and made mom cry with her cruel remarks last year. If she will not promise to not yell or make critical comments this year, I’m afraid we can’t invite her.” 

What Not to Say

• “He is a jerk and no one should be around him.”
• “If you care about me you won’t go to the reunion either.”
• “We’re not coming and you should know why.”
• “Whatever she says is a lie. You better not listen, if you want to be friends with me.”

What to Do

• Prayerfully consider the actions that are best for you and your family.
• Tell others of your decision objectively and calmly.
• Tell other family members of potentially harmful behaviors like violence, sexual abuse, or criminal activity.
• Consider giving more details to someone who can and will try
  
  to do something about the disruptive family member. 
• Remember that family dynamics are complicated and can be unpredictable; people who could do something about the troubling family member, for a variety of reasons, might not be willing to do so. 
• Be prepared for any reaction from the person you bring into the situation--they could be willing to help, or become very defensive and angry at you. 

Don’t . . . 

• . . . ask people to take sides in the conflict.
• . . . be vengeful in what you say; tell only the truth.
• . . . second-guess your decision if family members tell you that you are ‘over-reacting’ or wrong to pull back from other family members. Your priority is to protect yourself and your family.  

Have you had to limit contact with family members? 

--------------------------

This post is an excerpt from “What Should I Say? The Right (and Wrong!) Words and Deeds for Life’s Sticky, Tricky Uncomfortable Situations”

by Shelly Burke, RN. Coming soon!

 Download “What Should I Say” and be prepared for any of life’s sticky, tricky uncomfortable situations!

______________________________________________________

                                                                   

The mission of the “Nebraska Family Times” is to “inspire, encourage and motivate you on your Christian walk.” To receive local, state and national news from a Christian point of view, as well as devotions, Bible Study and articles about all aspects of Christian life, in your mailbox every month, subscribe for only $20 for 12 issues! Click “Subscribe” on the sidebar or send your address and payment to Nebraska Family Times, 209 27^th St. Apt. #13, Columbus, NE 68601.

I am also taking the Blogging A to Z Challenge at Home is Where the Mom Is; A Christian Mom's Guide,

where the theme is “Lifehacks for Christian Moms.”

A to Z Challenge "K is for..."

"...Kids Behaving Badly--Yours and Other People's"
From the series "Words Matter"
by Shelly Burke, RN, Author, and Editor, Nebraska Family Times newspaper

If Someone’s Kids are Behaving Badly

Should you tell someone her kids are doing something you know she, as a parent, would not approve of? Before you pass on any information about her child, be sure the action or behavior you’re reporting is something that could harm the child (or another person), or is something you know the parents would not approve of. 

While you might not let your kids wear shorts if it is below 60 degrees outside, some parents let their kids wear shorts regardless of the temperature. Another example: In some families, using certain words might be acceptable, even if they are not words you allow used in your home. If you report something like this to parents and it is within their family rules, you risk sounding judgmental. 

If the child is doing something that is against the law--stealing, drinking alcohol, smoking--or putting himself or others in danger by posting her home address on an Internet chat site or talking

about bringing a gun to school, you have an obligation to tell his or her parents, and the proper authorities, if necessary.  

Do not pass on any information about a child’s behavior or actions unless you actually saw the event happen or know the information is accurate. The parent’s first reaction might be to become angry with you; stay calm, reassure the parent of your intentions to protect the child, and offer to help the parent deal with the problem. Here are several ways to approach this difficult situation.

What to Say

• “Since teens have such a high rate of accidents anyway, I wanted to tell you that I saw Seymore driving well above the speed limit the other day, and he was not wearing his seatbelt.”
• “I would want this information passed on to me if it was one of my children, so I wanted to let you know that I saw Carlie smoking with a group of kids outside of the school yesterday.”
• “My mother saw Dexter at the mall yesterday during school hours; she knew it was him because he was wearing his letter jacket with his name on it.”
• “My kids came home very upset after Leslie told them she was going to bring beer to school in her backpack tomorrow.” 
• “My children were checking out your daughter’s online profile yesterday--there are some very suggestive photos on it, along with her cell phone number.” 

What Not to Say

• “I don’t know if it’s actually true but you need to know that I heard that . . . “
• “Your kid is going to get into big trouble if you don’t start paying attention . . .” 

What to Do

• Pray for the wisdom to handle the situation in a way that will protect the child. 
• Be kind, pleasant, and non-judgmental when you talk to the parents about their child. Remind them that you told them in order to help their child.  
• Offer to give parents the phone number of a counselor, name of a helpful book, information about group meetings, or other resources as applicable to the situation, without being pushy. 
• Realize that giving the parents this information could cause tension in your friendship. Remember that you’re doing it for the safety and well-being of their child and others. 

Don’t . . . 

• . . . pass on second, or third, or fourth hand information.

If Someone Else’s Kids are Having Problems

It’s a difficult time for a friend if her child is in trouble or having

problems. Whether the problem is fairly minor or more serious (stealing, using drugs, being involved with a gang), parents will appreciate your  support and encouragement. 

What to Say

• “You are all in our prayers.” 
• “It must be difficult to have this going on in your life.” 
• “I know you taught her different than that; sometimes as parents we just can’t prevent things like this.”
• “Our child went through a stage where he didn’t want to go to church and turned away from God; it only lasted a few months but seemed like much longer. Hang in there! I’m here if you want to talk about it.”
• “How are things with Colleen going?” 
• “When my kids were doing that, I  . . . “ 
• “A book that really helped us was . . . “
• “You are doing the right thing, even though it is difficult.”
• “I have the name of a counselor who is good with children of that age. Would you like the name and number?”
• “God gives our children free will to make their own decisions, no matter what we’ve taught them.”
• “Your work as a parent was not in vain.” 
• “Your children have made a lot of good choices; this is just one negative one.”
• “Hang in there . . . this too shall pass.” 

What Not to Say

• “Here’s what you need to do.”
• “You better do something or he’ll turn into an axe murderer!”
• “He’s that way because . . . “ 
• “Well that won’t help!” (when said as a reply to what the parents are trying to do to help the child).

What to Do

• Pray for God to guide the parents to do the right thing for their
  
  child. 
• Call or e-mail to offer encouragement.
• Listen without judgment; allow the parent to express his or her feelings/emotions, and accept his or her feelings of anger, sadness, disappointment, fear, and so on. 
• Offer to go with the person to seek information, talk with a lawyer, etc. 
• Take  younger kids in the family to the movies or park or out to eat, to give the parents some time alone together or with the child who is having problems.  

Don’t . . . 

• . . . criticize what the parents are doing (or not doing).
• . . . spread information if you don’t know it is true.

If Your Kid is in Trouble

What to Say 

• “We’re disappointed at the path he’s taking, but we still love him.” 
• “That’s not how we brought him up, but he’s still our child.”
• “We’re doing everything we can to help.”
• “We’re keeping the details to ourselves; we’re doing everything we need to.”
• “We are respecting our daughter’s privacy in this; please pray for her to make good decisions.”
• “Please keep our family in your prayers.”

What Not to Say

• “Don’t ask about it!” (Be polite about requesting your privacy.)

What to Do

• Pray for guidance to do what is best for your child.
• Ask parents who have been through troubles with their children, for help.

Don’t . . . 

• . . . share any details you’re not comfortable sharing. 

Have you told parents their kids are behaving badly? What did you say?

-------------------------------------

This post is an excerpt from “What Should I Say? The Right (and Wrong!) Words and Deeds for Life’s Sticky, Tricky Uncomfortable Situations”

by Shelly Burke, RN. Coming soon!

 Download “What Should I Say” and be prepared for any of life’s sticky, tricky uncomfortable situations!

______________________________________________________

                                                                   

The mission of the “Nebraska Family Times” is to “inspire, encourage and motivate you on your Christian walk.” To receive local, state and national news from a Christian point of view, as well as devotions, Bible Study and articles about all aspects of Christian life, in your mailbox every month, subscribe for only $20 for 12 issues! Click “Subscribe” on the sidebar or send your address and payment to Nebraska Family Times, 209 27^th St. Apt. #13, Columbus, NE 68601.

I am also taking the Blogging A to Z Challenge at Home is Where the Mom Is; A Christian Mom's Guide,

where the theme is “Lifehacks for Christian Moms.”

A to Z Blogging..."I is for..."

"...Insults"
From the series "Words Matter"
by Shelly Burke, RN, Author, and Publisher, Nebraska Family Times

Whether it’s a group or organization you belong to, a hobby you enjoy, or something you believe in, it is hurtful (and annoying!) when someone criticizes, laughs at, or insults something important to you. Use these responses to express your feelings. 





What to Say

• “That might be the case in another group, but it is not true of our group!”
• “Why do you feel that way about my hobby?”
• “What makes you say that?” (perhaps you can correct the person’s misperceptions). 
• “That’s a very hurtful thing to say about something that is so important to me.”

What Not to Say

• “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” 
• “You’re pretty dumb if you don’t want to be part of my group.”

What to Do

• Ask the person why she said what she did; maybe she heard
  
  false information, or if she’s criticizing a group, perhaps she had a bad experience with the group. If this is the case, politely correct the misconceptions. 
• Invite the person to a meeting of your group. 
• Educate the person about your hobby. 
• Be a positive example of your group. 
• Give a personal account of your own experience to show why it is important/significant to you.

Don’t . . . 

• . . . try to convince someone you are correct by over-reacting or returning an insult.

How do you reply when someone insults you? 

--------------------------------

This post is an excerpt from “What Should I Say? The Right (and Wrong!) Words and Deeds for Life’s Sticky, Tricky Uncomfortable Situations”

by Shelly Burke, RN. Coming soon!

 Download “What Should I Say” and be prepared for any of life’s sticky, tricky uncomfortable situations!

______________________________________________________

                                                                   

The mission of the “Nebraska Family Times” is to “inspire, encourage and motivate you on your Christian walk.” To receive local, state and national news from a Christian point of view, as well as devotions, Bible Study and articles about all aspects of Christian life, in your mailbox every month, subscribe for only $20 for 12 issues! Click “Subscribe” on the sidebar or send your address and payment to Nebraska Family Times, 209 27^th St. Apt. #13, Columbus, NE 68601.

I am also taking the Blogging A to Z Challenge at Home is Where the Mom Is; A Christian Mom's Guide,

where the theme is “Lifehacks for Christian Moms.”